Kowabunga Dude and eat my shorts...

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Over the past hundred years that the Simpsons has been on TV, give or take a few months  they have gone where no normal Television show has gone.

Now I have turned them in to a family of "Blue Birds of Happiness"

Imagine Bart Simpson as a blue bird of Happiness...gives me the giggles just thinking of that line of demented comedy.

Hang on guys and let's see where this takes us. 

 The Simpson the later years

 

Bon Appetit

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Lots of times when I am trying to come up with a gag idea, I will pick a broad subject and from there seek out a funny idea about that subject.   Here I was trying to convey how funny it is that raccoons wash their hands before eating garbage. 

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"Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton. 
He turned 68 today, or as he calls, 'one away from the fun one.'" 
–Jimmy Fallon
(Please note that Bill is one month older than me ) 
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Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He didn't, he got hit by a car.

Q: Why did the Raccoon cross the road? 

A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

 Three weeks later, a raccoon walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

 He took the precious book out of the raccoon's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" 

"Not really," said the raccoon.

 "Your name is written inside the cover."
 

 

Bear Proof

 Brown Bears are getting ready to hibernate for the winter & this time of year is sort of like Fat Tuesday is for humans..

They have a choice loading up on berries, bugs and worms 

or raiding the local fast food place 

and filling up on left over hot dogs and hamburgers.

The view from the continental divide at Cottonwood Pass.

Revenge is so sweet.

 This is the cartoon from yesterday

The Ice Bucket Challenge

From  wikipedia.org/

The Ice Bucket Challenge, sometimes called the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, is an activity involving dumping a bucket of ice water on one's head to promote awareness of the disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) and encourage donations to research. It went viral throughout social media during mid 2014

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The concept of having a bucket of ice

 poured over your head to prove 

how charitable you are

 is a concept I can not grasp personally.  

Why not just give some money to the cause?

sunflower experiment

 As you can see there is no cartoon.  I have been working 

on this picture of sunflowers I took a couple weeks ago. 

 Just having some fun drawing sun flowers different ways

  no deep down message here.

Line drawing of the original photograph

Above picture is where I outlined the original photograph on the computer with my trusty mouse.

This picture is a line drawing with color.

Mommy Words.

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I have a few mental issues in life...and most people who know me personally would say things like .."DUH!" or "Do Tell."  

One of these mental issues I have is mostly directed at Mothers of young kids, who when faced with a child who is doing something bad, will say,  "Don't do that, okay?" 

"Stop hitting your little sister in the face, okay?"

Talk about mixed messages.

In the school where my wife teaches, the kids mostly come from Mexican immigrant backgrounds and as such have mothers who never end their demands with the word "OKAY?" When an Anglo woman teacher says, "Jose, don't throw any more spit wads, okay?"  Jose would probably think the teacher is asking his opinion and and think it is okay to shoot little Maria with a wet and juicy spit wad. 

Racoon relationships

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." 

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" 

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!” 

There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.” “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean Jokes

There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it,with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.” “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean Jokes

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.” Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. “Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.” “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!? John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean JokesA child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Bring on them virgins!

 

 

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I have to confess, I got the idea for this cartoon

 from an old Far Side cartoon.  

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Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. 

The most certain way to succeed is 

always to try just one more time.

Thomas A. Edison

 

 

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. 

I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound

 to live by the light that I have. 

I must stand with anybody that stands right, 

and stand with him while he is right, and part with him 

when he goes wrong.

Abraham Lincoln

 

 

A woman converting to Islam is like a black person

 converting to slavery

 

 

Ah Vant to Suck Your Blood!

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Why did Dracula drive on the motorway?
- Someone told him it was a main artery!

Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula   

Q: What does a vampire fear most?

• A: Tooth decay 
• Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
  A: At a blood bank
• Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
  A: Turn on the dark. I'm afraid of the light!
• Q: What is Transylvania?
  A: Dracula's terror-tory
• Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
  A: On Lake Erie
• Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
  A: By blood vessels.

 

For God's sake...Let if Go Already!

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It is a proven scientific fact that little girls are born knowing the words to every song in the Disney movie FROZEN...

I used to like Disney movies with the cute little short songs 

but this movie does not have any short cute songs.  

They go on and on Forever.  

But little girls are little girls and we love them all...

No matter what what.  Even if they have to sing that song over and over and over and over.  

By the way, introducing Bella, Junior's little sister.

 She will be the family little princess/ballerina.

If Bella kinda sorta reminds you of someone it is because most family's have a Bella, trust me on that one.

Have you found Happiness yet?

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These are a couple of preliminary drawing I did up for this cartoon. 

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”
― Ernest Hemingway

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.”
― John Lennon

 and finally

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz

Praise the Lord!

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By all means, marry. 

If you get a good wife, 

you'll become happy;

 if you get a bad one, 

you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates 
 

"I saw that"....GOD.

A big blue beach ball

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 Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Getting down.

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I am sure it is a big deal to a baby chick when the go

 from naked to getting their down or pre-feathers.

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Little Johnny... The Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows 

about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says,

 bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs,

 "first, there was no Santa Claus, 

then no Easter Bunny, 

and finally, no Tooth Fairy.

If you're about to tell me that grownups don't

 really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

Got Coffee?

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I was going to steal some jokes about the Blue Bird of Happiness off Google, but it seems like most people have a desire to kill the little sucker and then grill it over an open flame and then grind it up into little itty bitty pieces.  
I don't get it, how can so many people have so violent feeling about a little mythical bird who only wants to bring Joy and happiness to your other wise dreary little humdrum lives?
With that thought in mind it is time for breakfast and a hot cup of Joe.  Until tomorrow.

Hey Mister Wilson!!

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For some younger people, this gag will go right over the 

top of their head...it is a take off from the old comic strip 

and TV show Dennis the Menace. 

Mister Wilson, who happens to be an owl, is a night person and as such, sleeps during the day but in the months to come he will find it more and more difficult with Junior living next door.

Tomorrow, I will be introducing Junior's dad the real Blue Bird of Happiness and in about a week along will come Junior's little sister Bella, the family princess.

I am getting lots of inspiration from my own grand kids, Cooper and Della..Hopefully you will be able to relate to some of the situations.  

The art of being bored.

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A story of a little one who was bored  from:http://community.babycenter.com/post/a23375995/im_bored._tell_me_your_best_joke.

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My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never
have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: ''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go
stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full .... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get
some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!'' ''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.. 

Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point. ''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK.. There are four other
toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that
those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. ''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

Junior.

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Every so often I find my self stuck in a subject

 matter that is not only depressing but having no end

 in sight. The past week I have been doing the gags 

of the crazy Jihad Squirrels 

and that was such a time.  

All the time thinking of gags pertaining 

to people killing other people can make 

one very cranky and moody. 

With that in mind I think I will stick with my

 subject matter of the life of a 

little blue bird of happiness and 

 to relate the gags to family life.

KA-BOOM

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I guess it might help to get a little closer to your
 target before you blow your self up.
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"North Korea has opened a summer camp 
where kids from around the world can swim, 
play volleyball, and learn about the 
country's culture. 
It's the first camp in history where kids tell 
ghost stories  to feel safer."
 –Jimmy Fallon

JIHAD SQUIRRELS

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Jack Bauer once strangled a man with a cordless phone.

 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

 Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor within 24 hours. 

 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

What goes up must come down. Except for Jack Bauer, if Jack Bauer wants to stay up, he can fucking stay up.

 Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

ALLAHU AKBAR!

To be continued tomorrow

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I got kicked out of paintball today:
Apparently strapping grenades to yourself and running towards the enemy shouting 

"ALLAHU AKBAR" is inappropriate.