Hecklers

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I got the idea of the two raccoons heckling the 
stand up comic cat from the two old farts in the
 balcony on the Muppets television show.
I bet you always thought that when cats are up
on the fence yowling all night long

 they were "Singing",
Who knows maybe they are telling 
each other old jokes....

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House,
squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn,
 which is more than the Secret Service is doing." 
–David Letterman
"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. 
She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." 
–David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, 
and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. 
This is pretty scary stuff. 
Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary."
 –David Letterman

"In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed 
the first state-wide ban 
on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. 
I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown
 is forcing us to buy paper bags." 
–Jimmy Kimmel

Stand Up Comic up on the Fence

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Some old time stand up comic gags

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

 If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

                                   ramblings, rants, news, ephemera, and stuff

101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on. 

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

Blue Power

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Please note that the term ACME was used in the Road Runner Cartoon when the coyote would order up some sort  of invention.  This is where all those wonderful inventions came from.

Below are some examples of what is known at Murphy's Law.  They have nothing to do with today's cartoon but is just fun to read.  Please note Murphy's law was around long before Dilbert the comic strip was thought up and is actually the basis if Dilbert as well as most of my gag. .

Lesser Known Murphy's Laws

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  

Slackers

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The "Pointy Eared Boss", learned all his management skills at MCRD Parris Island over a period of 20 years.  I am sure most of you have known a manager or boss over the years who is somewhat like our pointy eared boss.  Tomorrow we will explore some more of his management skills and get a better idea of why Barry is like Barry is. 
The female in the cartoon is taken quite shamelessly from the old television show Lamb Chops.

Davy Crocket

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Davy Crockett and the Coonskin

A Tennessee Legend
retold by S.E. Schlosser
Well, they say that Davy Crockett, the most famous bear hunter in the U.S. of A, once ran for election in Congress. He was campaigning in town one day, standing on a big ol' stump an talking to a big ol' crowd, when one of the men complained, saying he was mighty thirsty. 'Course, that set the whole crowd off, don't ya know. They said they wanted free drinks, and they wanted Davy to pay fer 'em out of his own pocket. If he didn't pay, he wouldn't get elected.
Davy knew he'd better do something afore his campaign ended right then and there. So he took the whole crowd to the local bar - what they called a shantee back in them days - and Davy himself led the singing and ordered drinks for the whole crew. 'Course, the barman wanted to see his money, and Davy didn't have none. But he told the fellow to wait and he lit off into the woods with his rifle, watched by the amused and derisive crowd. Didn't take him but a minute to spy himself a coon, and Davy shot it first go.
The crowd wasn't near so skeptical when he reappeared with his prize, all skinned and ready to give to the barman. Back in them days, a coonskin was as good as money, and the barman accepted it immediately, and soon the whole crowd was afloat, drinking rum like there was no tomorrow.
When the coonskin was all paid out, Davy went back outside to his stump to start another speech about the election and what he meant to do for all the voters if he was elected. But news had got around, and it turned out this crowd was jest as thirsty as the first one. Davy took them all to the shantee, wondering if he'd have to go out and shoot another coon. Then he spied a bit of the coonskin sticking out between the logs that were used to build the bar. The barman must have stuck the skin under the counter to keep it safe. Davy leaned up against the counter and stuck his right hand down until he was gripping the piece of coonskin and gave it a good hard jerk. The coonskin slid right through the logs and into his hand. Triumphantly, Davy slapped it onto the counter and ordered a round of drinks from the barman, to the shouted delight of the crowd.
As they were drinking, Davy made the rounds of the crowd, campaigning with all his might. He kept an eye on the bartender, and sure nuff, the man put the coonskin behind the counter in the same place as before, with part of it sticking through a gap in the logs. So Davy meandered over the bar when the drinks started running low, and paid for another round with the same coonskin. He treated his new friends again, and again, and again by the same trick.

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"After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally."

 –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney 

if he would run again for president in 2016, 

and Romney said, 

'We'll see what happens.' Incidentally, that's

 also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred 

to Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler' of 

the president's foreign policy. Which would be

 a big deal if that wasn't the definition 

of being secretary of state."

 –Jimmy Fallon

Hi Five

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"Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars.
 Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, 
they did it on a very modest budget — 
$74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly,
 $26 million less than it cost to make the movie 'Gravity.'" 
–Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations to India. 
They were able to keep the mission's costs down 
by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. 
And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years,
 maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars." 
–Jimmy Kimmel

Giving A Hand Up

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Been laid up with some sort of crud for the past couple days and when the stuff hits, it makes it hard to be creative in any way shape or form.  Back feeling in the pink as we used to say and ready to steal gags from from other places and hopefully bring a smile or a snicker to your face.

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How do you describe an angry potato?

 Boiling Mad.

 What does a British potato say when

 it thinks something is wonderful?

 It’s mashing!