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Some old time stand up comic gags
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on.
- I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
- I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
- I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
- You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
- If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
- If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
- Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
- You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
- I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
- Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
- I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
- So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
- Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
- Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
- I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
- Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
- God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
- I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
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