32 Reasons Not to Become a Vampire
1. No more garlic toast.
2. Blood diet causes the WORST morning breath.
3. Thanks to Madonna, Holy Symbols have become fashionable.
4. All elder vampires have that “More Tormented than Thou” attitude.
5. Those pesky mortals all have read the morning paper before you.
6. Eternal embarrassment at having been represented by Tom Cruise.
7. Sleeping in native earth causes toadstools to grow in one’s shorts.
8. Roving gangs of werewolves beat up on vampires just to prove they can.
9. Impossible to get pizza with blood as a topping.
10. Inability to see self in mirror makes grooming difficult.
11. This town has _no_ nightlife.
12. Transilvanian vampire Mafia wants 20% of all the blood you drink.
13. Anne Rice fans constantly pestering you to give them “the Dark Gift.”
14. Complete lack of tan causes people to mistake you for Bill Gates.
15. Can’t find a comfortable coffin anywhere.
16. Dracula’s really not a very nice person when you get to know him. Lestat too.
17. Living in constant fear that spiked collars will become fashionable.
18. Monty Python fans run up to you and say “sharp nasty pointy teeth!”
19. Pallid, pasty, emaciated appearance reminds many of 7-11 clerks.
20. Ever bite the inside of your cheek?
21. Always have to pay full price at movie theaters (no matinees for you!)
22. Fat, smelly mortals still seem to be having more fun than you.
23. Vampire job market limited to 24-hour drugstores and late-night pizza delivery people.
24. Horrible secret of all vampires: The Really Old Underwear Tradition.
25. Male Vampires Only: Ever taken a cold shower? Well make it as cold as the grave and that’s what it’s gonna be like for all eternity. Pack a magnifying glass.
26. Blood banks don’t give away free toaster ovens.
27. You start appending ‘E’s to the ende of every worde.
28. Mortal serial killers much more stylish, efficient, suave, and what’s more, they get all the endorsement deals.
29. Gain a horror-filled depressing world of darkness, lose forever the much more interesting and intelligent world of daytime TV.
30. Lose opportunity to win ten million dollars in Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes due to little-known rule: “Void if dead.”
31. Beach volleyball tournaments rarely held at night.
32. Gravediggers just aren’t as wacky as you remember them.
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