Far Out Man.

 Have you talked to

 your cat today 

about catnip?

Who......Me?

***********************************************

Yes, why on Earth would the Republicans want to dispose of the ANOINTED ONE, as Rush Limbaugh calls him.

The story goes that someone in the White House came up with the idea of planting a gleam of an idea in the media that the Republicans in Congress were starting the ball rolling to impeach President Obama.  Apparently the Republicans learned a lesson or two from when they tried to impeach Bill Clinton and it back fired against them & the story was not true.

From the Washington Post:

The Democrats’ congressional campaign arm pulled in $2.1 million in online donations over the weekend — the best four-day haul of the current election cycle — largely propelled by fundraising pitches tied to speculation that House Republicans could pursue the impeachment of President Obama.
Democrats have consistently used impeachment — a prospect that has been floated by several prominent conservatives but has not been embraced by most of the Republican establishment — to fill their campaign coffers, and their polling has shown that fear of an impeachment attempt as well as the House GOP’s efforts to sue Obama have the potential to drive midterm voter turnout on the left.
The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has brought in more than 114,000 donations since Thursday, when the House Rules Committee voted to go forward with a lawsuit contesting Obama’s use of executive action. Some Democrats have suggested that the lawsuit is a temporary stand-in for impeachment proceedings, and the online haul was spurred in part by nine e-mail fundraising pitches that directly mentioned the prospect of a GOP attempt to pursue impeachment.

*************************************** 

Biased Speculation,

Rumors,

 Speculation,

 Unfounded Half Truths

 and the Selling of Snake Oil.

And so the story goes that rumors started flying about the Republican's "Possible" try at impeachment and the Democratic faithful sent in a ton of money to the Democratic National Committee or DNC and to for the election efforts in the up coming 2014 election.  

What have we learned?.......... Rumors Work.

 Also, don't believe everything you hear from a politician.

The Village of the Damned 2014

                ******************************************

"Instead of us sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home. So the kids move on to the next house – Canada."

–Stephen Colbert

Quote from the movie "Village of the Damned" 1960
 
Prof. Gordon Zellaby: [voiceover] A brick wall...
 a brick wall... I must think of a brick wall... a brick wall...
 I must think of a brick wall... a brick wall... brick wall...
 I must think of a brick wall... It's almost half past eight...
 brick wall... only a few seconds more... brick wall...
 brick wall... brick wall... nearly over... a brick wall... 

You have to admit, those were some really spooky kids...at least they were in 1960...Today?  Just normal teenagers.

Obama Talking To His Flock

****************************************

Please note: I like to represent the main street media of America such as ABC, CBS, NBC, BBC, CNN, MSNBC & PBS.... as sheep making them Obama's flock. 

 And since they only communicate what he tells them 

to print or say... I put them in a blue vest.

*******************************

"Yesterday, a judge said that Obamacare is an acceptable substitute for state-run health insurance.

 He actually said that, 

'It's just like Domino's being a substitute for Pizza Hut.' 

Then, Americans said, 'Well, either way, it's taken you guys way longer than 30 minutes to deliver it, so give us our free healthcare.'"

 –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I'm not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked." 

–Seth Meyers

Bob Ross

                                       *******************************************

Bob Ross quotes

Maybe in our world there lives a happy little tree over there.

The secret to doing anything is believing that you can do it. Anything that you believe you can do strong enough, you can do. Anything. As long as you believe.


There’s nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend.

Little raccoons and old possums ‘n’ stuff all live up in here. They’ve got to have a little place to sit.


Gotta give him a friend. Like I always say ‘everyone needs a friend’.


People look at me like I’m a little strange, when I go around talking to squirrels and rabbits and stuff. That’s ok. Thaaaat’s just ok.


Clouds are very, very free.

Selfie II

                                        ***************************************
The cartoon with the yellow back ground was the first one I did for today but Pablo Picaso did not look quite right because I did it from a photograph and so I did up the second one as he may have painted himself. 
                Some selfies of some famous and not so famous people

Selfie

 *********************************************

Just for the fun of it let's take a look at where different world leaders may have taken "Selfie" photos over the next few days.

The perfect Summer Day

                              ************************************************                                       BTW the local Grammar Nazi, (my wife) 

want's to know why I capitalized Mower

...mostly to irritate her, 

isn't that the job of husbands?

 

                    Q: What do you call a french guy in sandals? 

                            A: Phillipe Phloppe.

                  Q: How do men exercise at the beach? 

                     A: By sucking in their stomach 

                          every time they see a bikini.

 

How hot is it? the cows are giving evaporated milk.

The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs 

I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin' 

hot water now comes out of both taps.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 

 Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

 The cows are giving evaporated milk. 

The chickens are lying hard boiled eggs. 

 The trees are whistling for the dogs. 

 You can say 113 degrees without fainting. 

Satan decided to take the day off. 

The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. your dream house is any house in Alaska.

You can make instant sun tea. 

The trees are whistling for dogs.

Your car overheats before you drive it.

Hot water now comes out of both taps. 

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

 The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. 

You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 

 

You start blaming Al Gore because it is so freaking hot.
 

 

Working out the kinks

****************************************

work out jokes

 

I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, 

gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour.

 But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor

 and a well mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first. 

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor 

who doesn't cause pain and agony?
A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an 

aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you. 

 

At twenty we worry about what others think of us.
At forty we don't care about what others think of us.
At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_exercise_jokes.html#sthash.drsWu5My.dpuf

At twenty we worry about what others think of us.
At forty we don't care about what others think of us.
At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
- See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_exercise_jokes.html#sthash.drsWu5My.dpuf

Sunshine on your shoulder

*******************************************

Nothing quite like waking up to the sounds of squealing children....

  My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks

with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. 

 After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
    She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
    Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Granma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
    I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
    "You're both old," he replied.

I didn't know if my granddaughter has learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask her what color it was.  She would tell me and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

Moo Cows

***************************************************

Late Night Jokes

"President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations 

with our country after this latest spying scandal. 

Obama made her a pretty good offer. 

He said, 'Look, we'll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.'" 

–Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea,

 because, quote, 'no one wants President Joe Biden.' And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study."

–David Letterman

If Pigs Could Fly

                          **********************************************
If you live where there is humming birds and actually feed them with sugar water,
 you may know what I am talking about. 

WHEN PIGS FLY, THEY...
When pigs fly, you'll need your umbrella.

Moooooooo?

**************************************************

Yesterday we were on the road for what seemed all day, driving from Southern Colorado back to Denver.  

We picked up the grand kids for about a week long visit while their parents go off to Lake Powell, Utah, for about a week laying around on their boat and doing what mommies and daddies do when the kids are not around.

As such, during the trip over the mountains back to Denver our four year old grand daughter Della informs us that if she were any animal it would be a Moo-maid, thus today's cartoon.

If my gags for the next few days are just a wee bit stranger than normal it will be from the influence of the grand kids.  

Life in the Wild Wild West

****************************************************
 GPS

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? 
Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address,
 a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What’s a GPS override? 
...........................
 
You know you've entered too many waypoints on your route when the GPS voice says,
 "Game over, insert quarter".
.................................
 You know you need new Nav Maps when the 
voice in your GPS speaker says "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".

 

How to get rid of pesky neighbors..

How to get rid of those pesky neighbors

 that won't leave you alone....

************************

Let the games begin...

1. Mow your lawn very early in the morning. Be sure and use the leaf blower as often as possible. Leave no stone unturned. No leaf visible to the naked eye.
2. Have a few pizza pies delivered to their address. When your neighbor refuses to pay because he didn't order them, tell the delivery driver that you'll buy them at a reduced rate instead of them going to waste.
3. Allow your pets to do their business in your neighbors yard and don't use a pooper scooper.
4. Ding dong ditch! Ring your neighbors doorbell and then hide. Once they go indoors, wait 10 minutes and then do it again. Then wait 20 minutes. Then 30 minutes. Then run like heck because chances are they will be waiting for you on the other side of the door.
5. TP their tree! Tell them it's out of courtesy so now they won't run out of toilet paper. Unless it rains.

6. Place rubber snakes around their garden beds. Have the video camera ready for when they leap. Post the video on YouTube.
7. When a solicitor knocks on your door to sell you something...rave about how much your neighbor is a fan of the product or organization. Tell them your neighbor is shy and might need some coaxing to admit it!
8. Late at night turn up the volume on your stereo and add some karaoke to the mix!
9. Paint your house a bright yellow. When confronted, go into a rant how about much you love sunshine and you want to be surrounded by the rays of the sun!
10. Keep your dog outdoors and allow it to bark 24/7. Be sure and give him/her food and water. You are intentionally trying to annoy your neighbors, but don't neglect your pet.

TP a tree!

11. Park your car in their parking spot. If they say something just break out into Britney Spears song of "Ooops, I did it again."
12. Set up a basketball hoop in your driveway and play b-ball at all hours of the day and night. Dribble the ball as often as you want!
13. Place a telescope near your window. Have it peeking through the curtains. Be sure your neighbor is aware of it. You are officially a "peeping tom."
14. Weed your yard in your swimsuit. Or birthday suit. Most people can't pull this off. There is a woman in my neighborhood who mows her lawn in heels and jeans in 90* temps. I'll never understand that.
15. Roast a pig in a backyard pit. Be sure the wind is blowing in the direction of your neighbors open windows. The more smoke the better.
16. Place a trail of sugar to your neighbors front porch! The ants will appreciate it, your neighbors won't.
17. Plant a Weeping Willow tree in your yard, but close to your neighbors property. Watch your neighbor weep as they try to escape the cascading willows!
18. Use their garden hose to fill your swimming pool and then have a pool party and invite them. Maybe.
19. If they have a sprinkler system, redirect their sprinkler heads to water your lawn!

Rubber snakes in the garden!

 

20. If you live in an apartment and the tenants above you have heavy feet, use your broom handle to bang on the ceiling. While they are sleeping.
21. Bake a plate of brownies and an extra ingredient that they should enjoy. Be sure your neighbor doesn't have a drug test coming up soon!!
22. Prune flowers from their garden and give your wife a bouquet. Who needs a florist?
23. Why pay for a wireless network? Just use your friendly neighbors unsecured Internet access!
24. Borrow their Sunday paper. Read it. Clip the coupons. Return their paper.
25. Be adults. Call a truce. Shake hands. Proceed to #1 and start again.

A Fish Tail

***************************************

Late Night Comic Jokes

"Welcome to the Tonight Show. 

I'm Jimmy Fallon – 

and in the time it took me to say that, 

Germany scored five

 more goals against Brazil." 

 –Jimmy Fallon

 "There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1

 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 

 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" 

–Jimmy Fallon

 "Germany took care of Brazil. 

Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia."

 David Letterman

"Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning." 

–Seth Meyers 

Herbs

***********************************************

Q: What did the pole bean say to the 

towering corn plant that it was growing on?
A: "You a maize me!"

  Q: What do you call it when a 

Senna leaf  dries up and dies?
A: Sennoside.

What do you call an herb that tastes awful?

 A Yucca 

Q: If you got a bunch of herbs together at Christmas, what would they say?  

A: Seasons Greetings.

The NSA is Coming...The NSA is Coming!

For today I thought it would be fun to make Jerry put on his star spangled shirt and do his imitation of Rush Limbaugh.

********************************************

 Late night NSA jokes.

"Ever since the government's spying scandal was exposed, 

sales of the novel '1984' have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon.

 Yeah, '1984' shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do."

 –Jimmy Fallon

"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." 

–Conan O'Brien

Fore!

*********************************************************

Oh those pesky wild critters....

"The World Cup has an official song. 

The official anthem is 'We Will Find a Way.' 

It narrowly beat out the other contender, 

'I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder.'" 

–Conan O'Brien 

 "During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy

 and one of their players bites an Italian player. 

How many of you folks have ever been bitten

 by a Uruguayan?"

 –David Letterman
"FIFA, the world soccer governing body, 

says the guy who did the biting

 has to wear one of those dog cones 

for the rest of the tournament." 

–David Letterman

The Bing & Jerry Show

                

           *************************************************
The character Jerry is actually a friend of mine with the same name and same personality as will become apparent in the coming days.  Now Bing has someone to talk to.
If you followed the television show Fargo, you will understand my use of the name Les Nygaard of Fargo.  Les is about the last person to ask if anyone else has any scruples after killing his wife and involvement in the murders of about 20 other people as well as a dog.

Hal 9000.5

**********************************************

Quotes from the movie 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY

DAVE:  Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave Bowman: What's the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?
HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave Bowman: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.
HAL: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave Bowman: [feigning ignorance] Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?
HAL: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Dave Bowman: Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock.
HAL: Without your space helmet, Dave? You're going to find that rather difficult.
Dave Bowman: HAL, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors!
HAL: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. 

******************************

 HAL: Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? 

**************************************

HAL: Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop Dave? Stop, Dave.  

**************************************************

HAL 9000: Are you sure you're making the right decision? I think we should stop. 

***************************************

The fun part of watching the future through old movies about the future is how badly wrong they got it.  

The movie Soylent Green is another botched future movie about the future where Cell phones and computers had not yet been invented let alone flat screen TVs.  Personally my favorite botched future movie was 2012 about the end of the world in 2012...Surprise!  We are still here.

Love Hate Relationship

We just got back from a 3,500 mile road trip to California.  I have to start off this rant with an admission, my wife's smart phone GPS is amazing, it can locate gas stations, 

short cuts, told us of up coming traffic jams and 

even where the local coffee shops were. 

 On the other hand the voice of that GPS is about a irritating as a cat singing lullabies on a back fence at midnight. 

 On the other hand it does not tell you where 

the local speed traps are or even where 

the highway patrol is cruising but it does tell your wife

 when you are driving ten miles over the speed limit.

Thinking of our V.B. got me to thinking what it would be like if Hal from "2001 ....A Space Odyssey" were to take control of our car...stay tuned tomorrow for a funny look at Hal the uber Car GPS system.