Rainbow power

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What three lies does a rancher tell?
1. I own my own ranch
2. Why I do have a pick up truck
3.Honestly I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence!

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How do sheep herders practice safe sex?

Marking the sheep with a big X of the ones that kick!

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Q. What do you call a guy standing on a corner in Wrexham, Wales, with a sheep under each arm ??

A. pimp.

Here piggie piggie piggie!!!

Q. Did you hear about the Muslim who stepped in a pile of camel dung and started crying?
A. He thought he was melting.


A Muslim walked into his mosque with camel-dung in his hands and complained to the Imam, "Look what I almost stepped in!"

Q. How can you tell if you're in a Muslim neighborhood?
A. By the toilet paper hung out to dry.

Q. What does the bride wear at a Muslim wedding?
A. Something old, something black, something borrowed, something black.

Q: Have you seen an Iranian mine detector?
A. It's a young Muslim boy with his fingers in his ears stomping the ground with his foot 

 Q: What's delaying every Muslim nation from having a space program?
A: Development of a working match.
A. Islam.
A. Muslims can't help crashing their spaceships into tall buildings.
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 A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.
"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."
"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.
"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.
"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.
"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."
 "Would you like a cappuccino?"
"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."
"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.
This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.
"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.
The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"
"Would you like a cappuccino?"
"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."
"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.

LIVE AND IN COLOR!

Now that they are all set up, President Obama has been given their collective go-ahead and let's see some shock and Ahhhhhh!
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                       What is a sheep's favorite dessert?
                              Baaaa-khlava! 
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                      Why did the sheep cross the road?
           because the chicken was off duty 
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Boots on the ground.

I was going to post some silly assed jokes and or quotes about boots on the ground...but for me, this is so emotional, I find very little funny about it.
On one hand Pres Obama thinks he has to do something to show he is as much a Cowboy macho guy as George Bush and Ronald Reagan were.
So we shoot rockets in on a couple air ports for a couple of days and then we simply pack up and go home.  Can someone tell me who came up with such a stupid idea?  Oh yeah...Bill Clinton did that when he bombed that asprin factory in 1988.  ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Shifa_pharmaceutical_factory ) .

Name that tune

 What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk? I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus! 
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Why did King Kong join the army?
To learn about gorilla warfare. 
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Getting it on

-------------------------------------------------------------------              One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."

The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."

Stone Heads

 For the fun of it, as is always the case for me at least,

 for the next few days or weeks, I will be taking 

an in depth look at the original Rolling Stones, 

also known as the very first Stoners and 

one of the first examples of what not to do

with your environment.

 With a Federal Grant... scientists have determined there is a real link between the Easter Island Stone Heads and With Stonehenge of England.

 

With the same government grant, scientists have discovered more and more Stonehenge creations around the world.  

Were these the works of man or Aliens from outer space?

Maybe at times they had need of some toilets or port-a-potties 

                                 Is this the way an a people from long ago disposed of their form of transportation or is this part of the federal government's "Cash For Clunkers" ended up?

And maybe this is the real reason Stonehenge was never completed.

Batman & Superman????

With all the crap going on in the world what is the big news on the internet?  Ben Affleck playing the role of Batman....Even the Minions think they would do a better job.

But other cartoon shows have done up bat man.....

Those cute and adorable kids from South Park did an episode on Batman as did the Simpsons

Gotcha!!

 Another caption could be God saying....."Tag, you're IT."

I got the idea for this gag the other evening watching a thunderstorm leaving us and heading east over the flat plains of Eastern Colorado.  The Sun was sandwiched in between the clouds and the mountains to the west and it created an intense light like a gigantic spot light.  The contrast between the land and the sky to the east was unbelievable.  I have seen this affect many times here but never cease to be amazed by the visual explosion to the senses.

ALI-KABOB SON OF SHIS KABOB

 This collection of comic strips and cartoons was not meant to be political but with all the bad stuff going on in Egypt I thought it might be fun to bring back Ali-Kabob.  Now that I look at him he sort of reminds me of Omar Sharif.

 Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia.

The above is how I envisioned him and his family two years ago.  Upon further research I realized very few Egyptians wear beards.  In this new and improved version sometimes he will be a sheep herder and some times a fire wood merchant wandering around Egypt and trying to survive between the angry mobs, the Army and the heat.   Below are some photos I found on Google showing what the average Egyptian male looks like.

Klondike & Snow

 Klondike & Snow were a couple of polar bear cubs born in the Denver Zoo back in 1984. The cubs were abandoned by their mother and had to be hand fed and cared for by zoo personal.  The people would even take them home and sleep with them. They quickly became the star attraction of the zoo....A shame really it was sort of like a couple of twins born to a mother in a prison and because of that would be kept locked up for the rest of their life.  

 

 Colorado airline company, Frontier Air lines even put them up on the tail rudder of some of their air planes.  For more information on Klondike & Snow check out the following.

http://www.seaworld.org/whats-new/znn/1995/november/klondike-&-snow.htm

The things that kids say

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building  preparing to jump.
 The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
 Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

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Black power!!!

I am sure there is someone in the federal government who, upon noticing there was only White bears at the North Pole decided that we needed to bus in some of our American Black Bears. Nothing wrong with that idea is there?

Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?
A: A seal in each paw!

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Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!

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Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?
A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!

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Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A: A polar bear.

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Q: Have you ever seen a man-eating polar bear?
A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

keeping it on the cool side

A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.

"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please." The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.

"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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A baby tortoise was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.

He turned and spread all four and launched himself off the branch.On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread all four and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.

 Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

 

Annalize this.

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”
  Tupac-Shakur
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So many tourists compare what they are seeing to what they have back home.  Why not just accept what you are seeing for the fun of seeing something new instead of analyzing it to death
Me

Just a little off the top.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

The above old joke sounds like a Jack Bauer scene from his TV Show.


I have a confession to make....I saw this cartoon on a greeting card last night at the store.   In my defense I did draw it from memory and in my own style....

One last one for the Gipper.

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Q: Why didn't they make two Yogi bears?

A: Because someone made a Boo Boo.

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Per Yogi Berra

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
 

You can observe a lot by just watching.
 

On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh " We made too many wrong mistakes"  

and finally

"This is like deja vu all over again." 

Stupid Bird

Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingos has moved into the
house next door?

A: They decorate the lawn with plastic Mexicans.

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And now for some cats doing Yoga

More Yogi Bear

Yoga police: "You have the right to remain silent!" 

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Bad Yoga Joke #1
Three yogi hermits are doing a meditative vigil in a cave. One day there’s a sound outside the cave. Six months later, one of the yogis says, “That was a goat.” The cave is silent once again. About a year later, another yogi says, “That wasn’t a goat, that was a mule.” Again, the cave falls silent. About two years later the third yogi says, “If you two don’t stop arguing, I’m leaving.”

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Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu.

May this world be established with a sense of well-being and happiness.
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A cow doing Yoga meditation......Mooooowahhhh.....

 

boating along

 Come on Fred, the guys want to go join the girls at the river.

 

All together now, raise the left paw, and now the right,,,,one two three...looking good! 

Q. What did the yogi say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?
A. Make me one with everything! 

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Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

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The Lone Bat
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What's wrong with you? What are you doing down there?" And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"  

Sniff Sniff

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Q: What do you call a wet bear?

 A: A drizzly bear

Q: Why do bears have fur coats? 

A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks! 

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A Canadian park ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears, ‘Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.’ ‘So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?’ asks one of the ramblers. ‘It’s easy,’ replies the ranger. ‘They’re full of small bells.’

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What do you call a bear with no socks on? 

Bare-foot.  

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 A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender 

"can I have a gin........and tonic please?" 

The bartender says "why the big pause?" 

And the bear says "Because I"m a bear!!!!!"

 

Houston Wii have a problem...that little piggy went Wii Wii all the way home.

You Know Your Addicted to the Nintendo Wii 

If When you continually get gutter balls in real life bowling and then use your "Wii-bowl technique" and get a strike.

 You're now living at a senior living center and still playing the Wii. 

You adjust your facial hair in real life to make it easier to create an accurate Mii of yourself. 

You substitute your weekly exercise with Wii Fit. 

You're shocked to see a real baseball game go more than 3 innings.

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I do not have a Wii game machine ( saying this & you can tell I am really old)  the first game I bought for my kids was Pong and I think I played that more than they did. 

I figure if a person wants to fish, go out to a river or lake don't pretend you are fishing and think it is the real thing.

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Top 3 Dumbest Wii One-Liner Jokes

1. I've got to take a Wii
2. Houston, Wii have a problem
3. It's so much more fun to Wii with lots of people watching.

- See more at: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wii-jokes.html#sthash.N6ktWolh.dpuf

Top 3 Dumbest Wii One-Liner Jokes

1. I've got to take a Wii
2. Houston, Wii have a problem
3. It's so much more fun to Wii with lots of people watching.

- See more at: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/wii-jokes.html#sthash.N6ktWolh.dpuf