"Grande," "Venti," "Trenta." & Now ...."UbberGrandee"

Since Starbucks uses those silly names for the size of their coffee drinks I wonder what they would call a Costco size drink?

Q: What does Costco and Michael Jackson have in common?

 A: Boy's underwear half off!
For you European readers Costco is a mega, gigantic warehouse type store where EVERYTHING is sold in Mega extra large sizes.  You want toothpaste, be prepared to buy five years worth of tooth paste. Lots of small mom and pop type retail stores get their supplies from places like Costco and the other mega warehouse store Sam's Club (owned by Walmart).  It is hard to go into a Costco or Sam's Club and come out without spending over $100.00. 

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 I was surfing around the internet looking for a Costco joke and found the same joke posted at least ten times in other blogs.  The one about the old retired guy who goes to Costco to get some dog food and ends up with a 50 pound bag of doggy food.  While in the check out line a woman asked him if he had a dog and he tells her he was was on a dog food diet and one of the side effects of this dog food diet was that you would start acting like a dog.  He continues saying that he saw an cute Irish Setter and when he went over to smell her ass they both got hit by a car and he ended up in the hospital.  Amazing that there is only one joke about a store like Costco or Sam's Club.

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Since Sam's Club and Costco have food samples all around the store lots of first dates end up there where the guy takes the new girl friend for a light lunch while sampling food from about fifty different venders.   Imagine the impression this first date has on a new girl friend. 

 "Come my dear, we shall dine on a veritable cornucopia of delights."  I have actually taken my wife for lunch this way but you don't take a new girl friend on a first date to a place like this, you take her to Starbucks.

Waldo has my gag.

Yesterday I was looking at the blank screen on my computer and was coming up with zilch for ideas for a cartoon so I figured why not just start drawing a bunch of animals.  When I showed it to my wife she came up with the gag line.  Sometimes the gag is just staring us in the face. 
Now that this one is done it is time to come up with another one but as so often happens I woke up with a new gag hitting me smack dab in the face. 
I often think that GOD him self inspires us with new ideas that we could never come up on our own.

DEMENTED RABBITS

 

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Q:How do you catch a unique rabbit? 

A: Unique up on it!

Q: What do you call 99 rabbits stepping backwards? 

A: A receding hare line!

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  Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. 

Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.

and finally

 

What do you call a great rabbit?

Hasenpfeffer

Prairie dog stuff

                        A Mother mouse and her baby

                        were walking by a cave when a bat flew out.
                       "Look Ma !" said the youngster. "An Angel."

Hey Bro I lost my ca

 Bobby the Werepoodle is back.  A couple of years ago in my black and white cartoon days I introduced Bobby the Werepoodle around Halloween.  Bobby was actually a werewolf but had eaten some bad french fries and morphed into a poodle instead of a wolf.  Since that fateful day he has been stuck in the body of  an adorable Poodle.
.......................................................
What do you call it when you cross a witch and a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases air planes.

Q.What is a mummy's favorite type of music? 
A. Rap music.
Q. What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A. The trombone.
Q. What does a panda ghost eat?
A. Bam-BOO!
Q. Why did Dracula go to the library?
A. He wanted a good book to sink his teeth into!
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Demons are a ghoul's best friend. ~ Anon
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 There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people:
religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin
 ~ Linus Van Pelt in "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"
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Today's vampires are all those sexy 20 something hunks and women of the night.  About 30 years ago Elvira Mistress of the dark was cracking jokes between commercials and really bad scary movies on television.  I am sure lots of young American males had wet dreams after watching this woman.

 This is a comic book version of Count Dracula.






 This is Grandpa from the TV show the Munsters that was around 1965.

This is how vampires appeared in the movies when I was a kid.

 As I have mentioned on Facebook, vampires are not really young and sexy looking, they are dirty foul old men who sleep all day and have not had a paying job in years.....Sort of like Bill Clinton.

Simon's motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn't getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.

Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,' said Simon ungraciously.

            ..........................................................................................

.............................................................................................

WHILE YOU ARE UP PLEASE GET ME AN ADULT BEVERAGE WITH AN HUMBRELLA IN IT.

..............................................................................................................

Q: What did the castaway do with the crate of SPAM that washed up on shore of his deserted island?
A: He built an ad-hoc mock-ham-hock-block hammock.

.................................................................

THIS IS A BANANA HAMMOCK

..................................................................................................................................

A fast-track young business executive had been working quite hard and one afternoon developed a splitting headache, sufficiently painful that he decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. He went home, which was an apartment on the 12th floor of a high-rise condominium, and realized upon reaching his door that he had left his keys at the office. He rang the doorbell and with no answer rang it again - and again.
After several minutes his wife opened the door. Her hair was in disarray and she had only her bathrobe on. The young exec was a bit suspicious, so he ran through the apartment looking for someone else. There was no one behind the living room couch, under the bed, in the walk-in closet, or in the bathroom. He ran into the kitchen and found no one in the pantry or under the kitchen table. He then looked over the kitchen balcony, and there, 12 stories below on a patio, was a man slipping on a shirt. Immediately concluding that he had discovered the guilty party, the young exec went berserk, grabbed the refrigerator and, heaving and shoving, managed to dump the refrigerator over the balcony railing.
The stress was so great that the young exec had a heart attack and died. He wafted his way to the pearly gates and there met ST. Peter who commented that he seemed to be quite young for his arrival and wondered why he was there. The young exec told his story, and St. Peter replied that it was a terrible thing that he had done, but that since he had done it in a fit of unreasoning rage there would be some forgiveness and that therefore he could enter heaven at about level 7.
A moment or two later a second young man appeared at the pearly gates, and upon a similar query from St. Peter explained that he didn't know exactly what happened. He had been resting in a hammock on a patio of a high rise condominium, realized that it was 3:30 and that he was working the 4 to 12 shift, leapt out of the hammock to put his shirt on and then, sensing a shadow and hearing a shout, looked up just in time to see that some nut had pushed a refrigerator over a balcony railing. Not having time to move, he was dispatched to the pearly gates. St. Peter, feeling sorry for the young man, and recognizing that he had lived a good life, told him he could enter at heaven at level 2.
No sooner had the young man left than President Clinton showed up. Incredulous, St. Peter pointed out that he hadn't expected the President for some years yet, and asked how he had managed to arrive so soon.
President Clinton responded - To tell you the truth, I don't know what happened. There I was, sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business...

 Summer Think Tank

What's up Doc?

A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me,

 I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"

Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

..........................................................

"Doctor, what does it mean when someone has tiny pupils?--It could mean she's a kindergarten teacher."

................................................................................

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Gone Camping

Time to break out the old mountain bike and do some mountain riding, watching sun sets over the Colorado River and hanging out with the grand kids.

The true Minions

This cartoon is the result of a dental visit.  Actually it was a quite pleasant visit but all the time the dental assistant was poking my gums with those sharp objects the thoughts that I was being questioned by Jack Bauer came to mind.
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." -- Johnny Carson
.....................................................................................................
 Q: What does the dentist of the year get?
A.: A little plaque.
........................................................................................................................................................
Patient: How much to extract wisdom teeth?
Dentist: $500.
Patient: That's ridiculous! Isn't there something cheaper?
Dentist: I can cut the price in half, if we don't use anesthetic.
Patient: Nope. That's still way too much.
Dentist: OK. If I just rip them out with pliers, the price is $50.
Patient: That's more like it. Book my husband for next Monday.

Bless you.

The other day my wife and I were sitting in a couple of dentist chairs getting a bi-annual check up and teeth cleaning.  While a  dental tech had her hand in my mouth and jabbing my gums with really sharp objects to see my pain threshold,  I was playing gag construction in my mind.  While I was sitting in the dentist chair I actually came up with three workable gags for cartoons.  I guess the secret here was that I was able to concentrate on gags and snot the pain of what was going on in my mouth.

"When you're neckin' with yer honey
And your nose is kinda runny
You might think it's funny...
But it's not."

 Anyway, next time you go to the zoo, let's hope you do not end up getting "Slimed".

Wakey Wakey!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for this kind of contest.

Play Ball!

Yogi Berra:  Ninety percent of the game is half mental.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
Yogi Berra
The Future ain't what it used to be.
Yogi Berra
It's like Deja-Vu, all over again.
Yogi Berra

And remember boys and girls......

"THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL." 

FOUR!

 First shall we bow our head as I tell you a religious joke?

 Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: ``The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water''
Jesus replies: ``If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.''
He swings the 7 and sure enough, right in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Once again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, ``If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.'' ``PLOP'' in the water it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake nd says to Moses,
``Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?''

Moses replies,
``No, Arnie Palmer.''

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."
The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"
To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

In the good old summer time.

 A livestock feed salesman was traveling through a very remote rural area and his car broke down. Getting out, the man walked down the dirt road and eventually came to a farmhouse. Walking up into the yard, the salesman saw an old farmer sitting on the porch. Sitting beside him was a pig with two wooden peg legs. The farmer allowed the salesman to use the telephone and call a tow truck.
Once he had, the salesman and the farmer moved back out onto the porch and began talking. The salesman commented to the farmer, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice that your pig has two wooden peg legs."
"That there is an incredible pig, young man. One night, there was a fox in the hen house and the incredible pig charged up on this here porch and banged on the door until I woke up and heard the commotion. Saved me a lot of chickens, he did."
"Wow," the salesman said, "that is an incredible pig".
"Oh, that ain't all he's done" replied the farmer. "Another time, the incredible pig saved me and my wife's lives. Our kitchen had caught fire and the incredible pig kept charging the door until he broke in. He raced upstairs and woke us up. I was able to put out the fire. Yep, that pig saved us, he did".
The salesman was amazed. "Sir, you are right. That is truly incredible pig. If you don't mind my asking, what happened to his legs?"
"Son," replied the farmer, "you just don't eat an incredible pig like this one all a once."
...................................................................................................................................................................
 A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
.......................................................................................................................................................................
 A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself mister," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Splish Splash

 And lots of people will look at this cartoon and ask them self where is the gag?    The Gag is...imagine your self in Dewey's situation...wouldn't that be one knee slapping memory to tell the grand kids?

Playing with the fishes

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Surfing with the fishes

Two Surfers Two surfers are at getting ready to paddle out: Surfer one: "Hey, guess what! I got a new longboard for my wife!" Surfer two: "Great trade!"

Funeral Procession Alex and three of his surfing buddies have gone surfing every Saturday for nearly thirty years. One Saturday, the guys are surfing near a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Alex lays down his board in the water, stands up on his board and places his hand over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Alex sits down on his board and waits for the next wave. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of 'em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Alex replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over thirty years!"

 

Golf: For people who don't know how to surf.

 

Nerd Humor.

I would love to change the world, 

but they won't give me the source code

- Unknown

 If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

- T-Shirt 

 

I'm not anti-social; 
I'm just not user friendly

- T-Shirt

I often wonder why people who are termed as Nerdy are also considered smart.  I was the school nerd as a teen ager and in many ways am still pretty nerdy but in no way was I ever "smart".
What happens when nerd teenagers become old geezers like me?  They become the eccentric  neighborhood old fart or village character.

Proper Protocol

It's all in the perspective

And now a visit to the Twilight zone...