CENSORED.

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Have I mentioned how much I am missing Jay Leno?  I stole most of my gags from Jay and now I have to steal from the late night comic hacks who seem to think they are funny. Oh well at least it is free.

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"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is making the rounds again. Today he did an interview with Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show. Lauer said, 'Thanks for getting up early to be with us.' Then Ford said, 'I never went to bed.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

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 "The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." 

–Jimmy Fallon

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 "The Olympics are finished. Everybody has gone home, so once again there are no gay people in Sochi." –David Letterman

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 "Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford." –David Letterman

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" girl scout in San Francisco sold 117 boxes of cookies in two hours after setting up shop outside a medical marijuana dispensary. And the very next day she became the youngest person ever to receive a MacArthur Genius Grant." –Seth Meyers