One More Halloween Cartoon

 

*************************************************

Normally I do not post two blogs on the same day

 but since we will be on the road tomorrow

 this is sort of tomorrow's cartoon and blog 

a day early.

 Recently, Hillary Clinton was speaking 

at a political rally along with Elizabeth Warren. 

 As such, the people attending this rally

 were from the left side of the 

political spectrum and had no problem

 when Mrs. Clinton stated that jobs 

are not created by corporations and business. 

 The crowd went wild with their approval.  

 I am not sure where they think jobs come from,

 beside free enterprise.  

I guess they must think that jobs and careers 

pop forth out of magic potions

 or that government creates them. 

 At the same time so many people in politics claim

 that government does create new jobs it makes

 one wonder where we have gone wrong.

Oh....Bother!

*************************

"The man in charge of investigating

 the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal 

has quit after he himself was caught

 with a prostitute – which explains why

 President Obama just appointed an irony czar." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"David Nieland, the man investigating

 the Secret Service prostitution scandal, 

was caught with a prostitute. 

I don't know what's more surprising 

— that they caught him with a prostitute,

 or that the Secret Service actually

 caught someone." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to

 make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco

 to discuss foreign policy issues

 — while his advisers are learning how to say

 'We're sorry' in all three languages."

 –Jimmy Fallon

"The investigator who led the probe 

in the Secret Service prostitution scandal

 was caught with a prostitute. 

When cops found them together,

 he said, 'Hey, I'm

investigating here.'"

 –Conan O'Brien

He Lives!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

The above cartoon is in reference to

 the movie THE SHINING.  

It is said that Jack Nicholson said the line,

 "Here's Johnny!" in reference to

 Johnny Carson.  Johnny Carson was the host 

of the late night show "The Tonight Show"

 and Johnny co-host

 Ed Mcmahon said that line at the 

beginning of each show. 

In America we have a woman Senator by the name

 of Elizabeth Warren who is as close to

 being a Communist as one can become. 

 She comes from Massachusetts where my

 family originally came to when they arrived 

in this land back in 1620.  I am sure some how 

or the other we are related and as such,

 I am no longer going to use my middle

 name of Warren and go by my first name 

of William or Bill to distance myself from

 this misguided woman.

The Bride Of Mr. Potato Head

***********************************

And I hear that their honeymoon was in 

Paris France and as such their children

 turned up as little French Fries.

Doctor Frankenstein's First Monster

*******************************************

"Over the weekend President Obama

 told Americans not to panic about Ebola.

Then when asked about the Democrats'

 chances in the upcoming midterm elections, 

Obama said, 'Man, that Ebola sure is scary.'" 

–Conan O'Brien

"After embracing the gay community

 last week, the Vatican is now 

distancing itself from those comments. 

The Vatican explained, 'Hey, that was

 just one crazy weekend, OK? 

We've all had them, right?'" 

–Conan O'Brien

Crappy sewing job

 

************************************************

They come in the night

                     The night of the kids from South Park.

**************************************************

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
An elderly couple are watching  the 700 Club. 

The evangelist is getting really worked up, 

and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.

"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord,

 place on hand on the television, and one hand 

on the part of your body that ails you!" 

The old man places one hand on the television

 and one hand on his groin.

"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman.

 "He said heal, not raise the dead!"

It's hard to be green

*********************************************************

Further adventures of our pint sized 

Frankenstein Monster. 

 

"At a polling station while President Obama 

was standing next to a woman,

 a man shouted out, 'Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.' He didn't say this because 

Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election." 

–Conan O'Brien

"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation.

 The CDC has released new guidelines 

about what healthcare workers should

 wear to protect themselves when

 treating Ebola patients. For starters, 

this Halloween they've outlawed 

the slutty hazmat suit." 

–Conan O'Brien

"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. 

The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the 

World Series since 1985. Things were very 

different back then. Tensions were high 

with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan 

bickering, my career was in the dumps. 

These are all bad examples." 

–Craig Ferguson

Let's Play Some Foot Ball!

*******************************

Q: How many San Diego Chargers does it take to win a Super Bowl? 

A: Nobody knows and we may never find out! 

 

 Q: Did you hear about the joke that Phillip Rivers told his receivers? 

A: It went over their heads

 

. Q: Why can't Phillip Rivers use the phone anymore?

 A: Because he can't find the receiver

 

 Q: What do you call a San Diego Chargers with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief. 

 

Q: What's the difference between the San Diego Chargers and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

Q: How many Chargers fans does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: None they are happy living in the Broncos shadow! 

Don't eat the bad French Fries.

Please note that the poodle is Bobby, right before Halloween two years ago he ate some bad french fries and got turned into a WEREPOODLE instead of a real Werewolf.  He used to be a mechanic in North Park  but has been stuck in the body of a poodle ever since those bad French fries.
The lizard is a Gecko  and is the spokesman or lizard for Geico car insurance company.

*******************************

 

Mini Frankinstien Monster on the loose.

Adventures of a Mini Frankenstein Monster. 

 What is a small guy have to do to get some respect?

**********************************

No respect jokes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

 Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, 

we don't think alike. 

She donates money to the homeless, 

and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured,

 let my wife come on.

 I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.

 She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go 

ice-skating on the lake. 

He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. 

I drink too much. Way too much.

 My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came

 out to the waiting room and said to my father, 

"I'm very sorry. We did everything

 we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. 

During the Civil War my 

great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. 

He worked in a bank and they 

caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning

 sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me.

 She told me that she

 only liked me as a friend.

Very Progressive Ideals

Today I am showing the Pointy Eared Boss of 
Acme Inc, in his Halloween costume.
********************************

  A woman was at work when a man said, 

"Your hair smells nice."

    She went straight to her boss and said, 

"I've been sexually harrassed. 

A man said my hair smells nice."

    He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does?"

    She said, "The man who said that was a midget."

...........................

I was looking on Google for some funny jokes about hostile work environment and could not find any.  I wonder if working for the Mafia would be called a hostile work environment?

There have been several funny movies and television shows about hostile work environment like "The Office",  "Office Space" and "The Devil Wears Prada". And with that kind of track record one would think that there would be a joke or two floating around Cyber Space, but sadly no jokes about this funny subject.

Next week end we will once again explore how bad things can get when one works in a dysfunctional environment.  

Tomorrow the subject will be further adventures of the mini Frankenstein monster and other Halloween type characters.

Bathroom Time Limits

**********************************

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES  ACME INC.

SUBJECT: REST ROOM PRIVILEGES


In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the rest room under informal guidelines.  Effective this date, a "Rest room Trip Policy" (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's rest room time.

Under this policy, a "Rest room Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee.  The first day of each month, employees will be given a "Rest room Trip Credit" (RTC) of 20.  RTCs can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrance to all rest rooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices.  Before the end of March, each employee must provide the Human Resources Department with two copies of voice prints, one normal and one under stress.  The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not restrictive, for the rest of the month.  Employees should acquaint themselves with these station during this period.

If an employee's  RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the rest rooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month.  In addition, all all rest room stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.  If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open.  If the stall seat remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted in the hallways.  This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the rest rooms.  Anyone's picture showing up three times will be immediately terminated.

If there are any questions regarding the above policy, don't hesitate to speak with your supervisor or the Human Resources Department.

Thank You,
Management

The Monster Awakens.

******************************************

Further adventures of our Vampire Squirrel 

and his side kick E-Gore.  

Somehow they are now in the wrong 

Cartoon series about the

 mini Frankenstein Monster and are 

simply following

 the script I have given them. 

Tomorrow once again we will be visiting the

Pointy Eared Boss of Acme Inc.  

**************************************

"A new poll shows that only a slim majority of 

Americans think the country is prepared for an 

Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with 

 outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a 

couple of months to completely eradicate

 Gangnam Style." 

–Seth Meyers

"New York City is overrun with rats. 

We have so many rats that today 

Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television

 asking every citizen here to make sure 

to have your rat neutered." 

–David Letterman

"I was very happy to see that our old friend 

Jay Leno is coming back to television. 

He's coming back to CNBC 

and he's got a brand-new show. 

Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles,

 and each week he runs down a different 

NBC executive." 

–David Letterman

Stay calm and get on your hazmat suit.

  Further tails or tales of the vampire squirrel

 and his trusty sidekick E-Gore. 

 Sorry about the making the Frankenstein Monster 

the wrong size...we are working on a little budget here

 and I could only afford the mini green guy.  

Wonder what will happen when they bring the green guy to life?  Toon in tomorrow to find out.... Will the villagers come out with pitch forks and torches or will they turn out with the smart phones taking selfies with the green monster?

    ****************************************

Two By Two

*********************************

"A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's

 time in office as a failure. While the rest said, 'You saw him in his office? 

When?'"

 –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was actually in his office yesterday. 

He met with his Secret Service director 

to talk about the recent White House security breaches. 

 First they had to address the elephant in the room. 

Not metaphorically —

 an actual elephant wandered into the room.

 Security's just awful." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent

 of Americans 

will vote in the midterm elections next month. 

But on the bright side, 

100 percent will still complain about the results." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"t's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the

 1996 movie 'Independence Day.'

 I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only

 like the fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now." 

 –Jimmy Fallon

I Want My Insurance Agent!

*********************************

The idea for this cartoon came from an insurance commercial.

******************

Jim´s barn burned down. Julie, his wife, 

called the insurance company and said,

 "We had that barn insured for 

fifty thousand and I want my money."

"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn´t work like that.

 We will assess the value of the building

 and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

 the agent replied.

Julie, after a pause, said,

"Well, in that case, 

I´d like to cancel the policy on my husband."

**********************

 
Mr. James Barricks, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."

Mr. Barricks died and at the funeral, 

each one placed the envelope on top of the man, 

then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, 

the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen,

 I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Barricks,

 I wanted buy this new machine that would 

enable me to diagnose his rare 

disease and save others. 

It´s what he would have wanted."

Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, 

I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Barricks. 

We needed that money to help more homeless,

 and it´s what Mr. Barricks would have wanted"

The insurance agent was angry at both men and said:

 "I can´t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man.

 I wrote Mr. Barricks a check for the full $30,000!"

Working my fingers to the bone

                                         ********************************************
                                MEMO FROM THE MANAGEMENT
                                        OF ACME INC.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

 

The Evil Pointy Eared Boss

******************************************

And you only thought your job was stressful.

And I will call you E-Gore

******************************************

I always figured that both squirrels and cats were demented souls and now the tale can be told.

What kind of things would a vampire squirrel have a demented slave cat do for  him?  Tune in tomorrow for some answers.

Attack of the Undead Road Kill.

********************************

1.  Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat their fingers separately!

2.  Why did the zombie go to the hospital? He wanted to learn a few sick jokes!

3.  Why did the zombie lose the lawsuit? He had no leg to stand on!

4. The baby zombie asks her mother 

“Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes?” 

 The mother says “Yes you do honey!

 Now eat them before they get cold!”

5. What’s a zombie’s favorite shampoo? Head and shoulders!

6. What do you do if there’s a zombie coming

 towards you? Hope it’s Halloween!

7. What did one zombie say to the other 

zombie when they were eating a comedian? This tastes funny!

8. What streets do zombies like best? Dead Ends!

9. What did the vegeterian say when turned into a zombie? Graaiiiinnnnss!!  GRAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNS!!!

10. What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist!

Hecklers

************************************************

I got the idea of the two raccoons heckling the 
stand up comic cat from the two old farts in the
 balcony on the Muppets television show.
I bet you always thought that when cats are up
on the fence yowling all night long

 they were "Singing",
Who knows maybe they are telling 
each other old jokes....

"Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House,
squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn,
 which is more than the Secret Service is doing." 
–David Letterman
"Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. 
She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama." 
–David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, 
and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. 
This is pretty scary stuff. 
Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary."
 –David Letterman

"In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed 
the first state-wide ban 
on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. 
I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown
 is forcing us to buy paper bags." 
–Jimmy Kimmel

Stand Up Comic up on the Fence

**********************************

Some old time stand up comic gags

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

 If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

..............................................

 

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

                                   ramblings, rants, news, ephemera, and stuff

101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on. 

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

Blue Power

************************

Please note that the term ACME was used in the Road Runner Cartoon when the coyote would order up some sort  of invention.  This is where all those wonderful inventions came from.

Below are some examples of what is known at Murphy's Law.  They have nothing to do with today's cartoon but is just fun to read.  Please note Murphy's law was around long before Dilbert the comic strip was thought up and is actually the basis if Dilbert as well as most of my gag. .

Lesser Known Murphy's Laws

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  

Slackers

                                            *************************************
The "Pointy Eared Boss", learned all his management skills at MCRD Parris Island over a period of 20 years.  I am sure most of you have known a manager or boss over the years who is somewhat like our pointy eared boss.  Tomorrow we will explore some more of his management skills and get a better idea of why Barry is like Barry is. 
The female in the cartoon is taken quite shamelessly from the old television show Lamb Chops.

Davy Crocket

 ***************************************

Davy Crockett and the Coonskin

A Tennessee Legend
retold by S.E. Schlosser
Well, they say that Davy Crockett, the most famous bear hunter in the U.S. of A, once ran for election in Congress. He was campaigning in town one day, standing on a big ol' stump an talking to a big ol' crowd, when one of the men complained, saying he was mighty thirsty. 'Course, that set the whole crowd off, don't ya know. They said they wanted free drinks, and they wanted Davy to pay fer 'em out of his own pocket. If he didn't pay, he wouldn't get elected.
Davy knew he'd better do something afore his campaign ended right then and there. So he took the whole crowd to the local bar - what they called a shantee back in them days - and Davy himself led the singing and ordered drinks for the whole crew. 'Course, the barman wanted to see his money, and Davy didn't have none. But he told the fellow to wait and he lit off into the woods with his rifle, watched by the amused and derisive crowd. Didn't take him but a minute to spy himself a coon, and Davy shot it first go.
The crowd wasn't near so skeptical when he reappeared with his prize, all skinned and ready to give to the barman. Back in them days, a coonskin was as good as money, and the barman accepted it immediately, and soon the whole crowd was afloat, drinking rum like there was no tomorrow.
When the coonskin was all paid out, Davy went back outside to his stump to start another speech about the election and what he meant to do for all the voters if he was elected. But news had got around, and it turned out this crowd was jest as thirsty as the first one. Davy took them all to the shantee, wondering if he'd have to go out and shoot another coon. Then he spied a bit of the coonskin sticking out between the logs that were used to build the bar. The barman must have stuck the skin under the counter to keep it safe. Davy leaned up against the counter and stuck his right hand down until he was gripping the piece of coonskin and gave it a good hard jerk. The coonskin slid right through the logs and into his hand. Triumphantly, Davy slapped it onto the counter and ordered a round of drinks from the barman, to the shouted delight of the crowd.
As they were drinking, Davy made the rounds of the crowd, campaigning with all his might. He kept an eye on the bartender, and sure nuff, the man put the coonskin behind the counter in the same place as before, with part of it sticking through a gap in the logs. So Davy meandered over the bar when the drinks started running low, and paid for another round with the same coonskin. He treated his new friends again, and again, and again by the same trick.

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"After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally."

 –Jimmy Fallon

"This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney 

if he would run again for president in 2016, 

and Romney said, 

'We'll see what happens.' Incidentally, that's

 also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred 

to Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler' of 

the president's foreign policy. Which would be

 a big deal if that wasn't the definition 

of being secretary of state."

 –Jimmy Fallon

Hi Five

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"Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars.
 Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, 
they did it on a very modest budget — 
$74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly,
 $26 million less than it cost to make the movie 'Gravity.'" 
–Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations to India. 
They were able to keep the mission's costs down 
by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. 
And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years,
 maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars." 
–Jimmy Kimmel

Giving A Hand Up

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Been laid up with some sort of crud for the past couple days and when the stuff hits, it makes it hard to be creative in any way shape or form.  Back feeling in the pink as we used to say and ready to steal gags from from other places and hopefully bring a smile or a snicker to your face.

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How do you describe an angry potato?

 Boiling Mad.

 What does a British potato say when

 it thinks something is wonderful?

 It’s mashing!