Sidney the Sheep

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"I try to be level-headed when you have

 a problem like the Ebola outbreak. 

A couple of years ago there was what

 they call a pandemic. I called my doctor 

and I asked him what to do in the case

 of a pandemic. He said to make sure

 you sterilize your pan." 

–David Letterman

"I want to settle everybody down.

 Let me put this in perspective for you. 

Your chances of catching Ebola

 are the same as the Jets

 chances of making the play-offs."

 –David Letterman

"The White House computers were hacked.

 They stole all of Michelle Obama's 

secret kale recipes." 

–David Letterman