Beach Volley Ball

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Last night of course was the State of the Union address, and during his speech, President Obama promised to focus on economic growth, education, and healthcare. Or as people tuning in put it, 'Oh crap, it's a rerun.'"

 –Jimmy Fallon
"It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years." 

–Jay Leno

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." 

–Conan O'Brien
"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch."

 –David Letterman 

 "Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He's become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music."

 –Jimmy Kimmel

Stoners of Easter Island.

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LATE NIGHT COMIC HUMOR

After the president's State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, 'Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.'" 

–Jimmy Fallon

 "The Pope announced that he is coming to the United States. How about that? The purpose of this visit is to perform an exorcism on Justin Bieber."

 –Jay Leno 

 "They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it's pretty scary. In fact, it's so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent."

 –Jay Leno

"MSNBC has come under fire for creating its own Chris Christie attack ad. However, later it turned out to be just an ad for Jenny Craig." 

–Conan O'Brien 

 "Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida for drag racing. There are so many questions I have, what is wrong with this kid? Why drag racing? What was he doing in Florida? And where is George Zimmerman when you need him?" 

–Bill Maher

Lame Duck Dynasty

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Santa and Ma Claus are still on an extended vacation in Hawaii.

Can you believe it not one joke about a lame duck president.  What good is Google if I can't use it to steal lame jokes?

Whoa it's cold out there!

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"It was so cold, the 49ers coach got a concussion when he was hit with a block of Gatorade." 

— Conan O'Brien 

"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet." 

— Craig Ferguson

"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain."

 — Jimmy Kimmel

And as for the name given to the arctic blast:

"A #PolarVortex sounds like something Mr. Freeze would use to destroy Gotham City... or a new flavor of Powerade."

 — Jimmy Kimmel

Inflight meals.

                           AIR LINE IN FLIGHT HUMOR (KINDA SORTA)

"If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside." 

 "Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!" 

 From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." 

 Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

 After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

Working out.

Ma and Pa Claus are still doing a winter vacation in Hawaii.  Even Santa has a need to stay in shape and sometimes spends a couple hours working out in the gym.

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Late night humor

"President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job."

–Jay Leno 

 "We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water."
–Conan O'Brien

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!" - See more at: http://www.agelessfx.com/funny_exercise_jokes.html#sthash.UFfTvBvo.dpuf

Hey, he is just a kid.

With all the news coverage of Justin Beaver ( yeah I know I misspelled the butthead's name so sue me.)
One would think the Beaver is some sort of famous person or maybe some type of royalty.  I have never ever heard one song the little shit has ever made and do not intend to ever waste my time doing so.  That being said.  What say we turn the little shit into a wild and crazy child of the 21st century and have some fun making him a mixture of James Cagney in the old gangster movies and the bad guys from the movie "Good Fellows."  Loved that movie Cagney was in "WHITE HEAT".
Here are some great quotes from James Cagney.
""I wish you was a wishing well, so I could tie a bucket to you and sink you".
  ""Made it ma, top of the world!"."
  ""What's your angle sister? What bank do you want me to stick up, who do you want killed, and what do you want done first?"."
 "Come out and take it, you dirty yellow bellied rat, or I'll give it to you through the door!"
"Mmm, that dirty, double-crossin' rat,"
"Come and get me Coppers!"
But my all time favorite James Cagney quote is from the movie "YANKEE DOODLE DANDY" 
 
             " My mother thanks you, 
              My father thanks you, 
              My sister thanks you,
                  And I thank you."
 

The Al Gore Affect On Weather

Per radio talking head Rush Limbaugh, the cause of the drought in California is because the state has gone over board on the Green agenda thus causing a nature back lash.  In a perverted way this theory makes as much sense as repeating over and over that the more money we throw at global warming it will apease the weather Gods and peace and harmony will once again be upon the land. 
Mean while smog created in China is filling up the air on the west coast and California beaches are red hot with radiation from Japanese Nuke power plants.  At the same time down in Mexico well water is polluted and air pollution from Mexico is covering southern Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas.  In the end America is blamed because it is because of us they make stuff to sell to us and if we did not buy their stuff they wouldn't be polluting the sky and water.

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"The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'" 

--Jay Leno

"There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com."

–Craig Ferguson

"They're saying that now Al Gore has won the Nobel prize, Al Gore has a huge international platform to fight global warming. Kind of sad. Today, he stepped on the platform and it collapsed."

 --Jay Leno 

 

Q: How do Prius owners drive? 

A: One hand on the wheel, the other patting themselves on the back 

 

Q: What is the most dramatic scene in Al Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth!"?

 A: When the glacier melts and they find more hanging chads!

 

 

Federal Alphabet Soup.

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A Little Perspective

• Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
• The Lord's prayer: 66 words
• Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
• The 10 Commandments: 179 words
• The Gettysburg address: 286 words
• The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
• The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:

• 26,911 words

 

Facebook Worthy

There is an American saying "What happens in Vegas...Stays in Vegas."  Maybe there should be another version of what happens in Hawaii.....should stay in Hawaii. 

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Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private  An ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

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Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach every time a women in a bikini goes by!

Warm sands and a beach....

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One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, “What's your name?” “Patty” she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him “Special Ross.”
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking... 

“Damn, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!”

Horoscope

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"Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto." 

–Conan O'Brien on the egging attack on Bieber's neighbor's house 

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"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey." 

 –Jay Leno

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"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'" 

–Conan O'Brien

KOWABUNGAH!

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LATE NIGHT COMICS

"Yesterday, President Obama gave photographers a rare chance to take pictures of his weekly lunch with Joe Biden. Then Biden told his friends, 'Told you I knew the president.'"

 –Jimmy Fallon

"In the new movie 'The Wolf of Wall Street,' they say the F-word was used a record 506 times. Thus breaking the old record of 505 times set by President Obama when he heard about Robert Gates' new book." 

–Jay Leno

"It's been a lousy week for Governor Christie. I mean, first the bridge scandal and now the nationwide Velveeta shortage."

 –David Letterman

"New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up  for days, which is slightly longer than normal." 

–Stephen Colbert

Blings

 In my former life as a landscape guy, I spent lots of time at our local land fill.  Nothing quite like being at that smelling dirty place on a windy day and getting smacked along side the head several times with cardboard boxes filled with who knows what foul smelling garbage.  Hard to comprehend how many sea gulls we have here in our land locked state a thousand miles from the nearest ocean and it seems like at least 90% of them reside at the land fill or trash dump.    One day it would be nice or better yet necessary for the worlds nations to do something about land fills.  We can not keep dumping our garbage we will one day run out of land to put all this crap we create each day. 

 This is how polar bears survive when the fishing is low.  The trouble is that they get so used to surfing the trash dump they may one day forget how to go hunting in the ocean.

 Would you want your little girl to live like this?

Flying Poopers

 Santa and Mrs Claus (going as George and Martha Claus) are currently on vacation in Hawaii.  

 When I was a kid back in the 1950's all the old married couples were called Ma & Pa ( Ma & Pa Hendricks, Ma & Pa Smith) for this reason I have named this attempt at a comic strip Ma & Pa Claus.  Sort of like Ma & Pa Kettle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmdftFWiYtc
Red Skelton Sea Gull jokes

                                                                    Red Skelton

Red Shirts

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?  

Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

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 Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.

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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

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Borg Answering Machine Message:

 WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

 But we're not home right now, so leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later.

Brad's long treck

Late Night comics

New emails link top aides in the Christie administration to a shutdown on the George Washington bridge back in September. It was traffic on a biblical scale, with New Jersey highways backed up  for days, which is slightly longer than normal."

–Stephen Colbert

"President Obama's former defense secretary, Robert Gates, has written a new memoir where he says that Joe Biden has been wrong on almost every foreign policy issue in the last 40 years. He says he's awful when it comes to foreign countries. Then Biden was like, 'Is this bout the time I got lost at Epcot?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Entrapment

LATE NIGHT COMIC HUMOR

In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone — known as "Siberia."

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It’s so cold that doctors are telling people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Then parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days were like, “It's worth the risk.”
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Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. And now he’s facing a lot of criticism over a new interview where he said that North Korea is “not that bad.” Even Kim Jong Un was like, “Uh, yeah, it kind of is.”

 

 

Polar Vortex

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"It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes.

 In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. 

In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet."

 — Craig Ferguson  

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It's as cold as... "A brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska!"
— WABC New York viewer Jenny Tozzi 

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"It's so cold I just saw a teenager with their pants pulled up!"
— ABC11 viewer Stan Donna Smith  

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What is that white stuff?

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 BC

Q: What's an ig?

 A: A snow house without a loo!

  Q: What do sled dogs say before telling you a joke?
A: "This one will sleigh you!"

Yes, it is that cold.

Remember all the stories that the polar bears were on the verge of extinction because the arctic ice cap was melting?  This year the bears may be freezing to death...sounds silly doesn't it, just as silly as the polar bears dieing off because they can not swim?  That is what some people apparently believe.

Snow Duffer

       Onward to the number eight tee.

 I know I am getting better at golf because 

I am hitting fewer spectators.” 

– Gerald R. Ford

 “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” 

– Dean Martin

 “Hockey is a sport for white men. 

Basketball is a sport for black men.

 Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” 

– Tiger Woods

New Year and New Laws