Horoscope

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"Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto." 

–Conan O'Brien on the egging attack on Bieber's neighbor's house 

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"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey." 

 –Jay Leno

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"It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, 'You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year.'" 

–Conan O'Brien