Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
When camping, when you go to sleep, sometimes when you wake up you are surrounded by all sorts of new neighbors who were not there last night.
John Lancaster is an old coot!
Agent Ronald Hooks home
Sunday January 22, 2012
When the door bell rang, FBI Agent Ronald Hooks had just gotten up to go to the bathroom. Even though it was Sunday morning, a day when most people tried to get a few more minutes of sleep, for Agent Hooks bladder, it made no difference what day it was.
“Hey Buddy, remember me?” Asked his bladder to his brain.
“Who would want to see us at this time of day? It’s Oh Dark Thirty on a Sunday for God’s sake!” Thought Hooks, flashing back to his days in the Marine Corps.
Throwing on his robe, he stumbled out his bedroom door and immediately stepped on some very sharped edged Legos. Agent Hooks son, Denzel had left them as a “Booby Trap” in case any bad guys tried to break in to their home in the middle of the night. Stepping on Leggos bare foot is like stepping onto broken glass and hot burning coals combined. Several years ago Ronald Hook’s grand mother told him, “I hope you have at least one son and he is just like you.” Well, her prophecy came true. When Ronald Hooks was five years old he had done the very same thing and his old man had stepped on those lethal pieces of plastic in the middle of the night just as he had just done.
“Ah, Fuck!” Thought Agent Hooks as he felt the pain of the first sharp piece of plastic rip into the bottom of his right foot and immediately brought down his left foot and stepped onto another Lego. As He stumbled around in the dark trying to get his balance he found another booby trap his son had placed in his path. Under normal room light, the bean bag would pose no problem but when you are stumbling around in the dark, on feet that feels like you are walking around on hot coals, the innocent looking bean bag chair can trip you up really good. Down went Agent Hooks with a loud thud.
“Officer down!” He thought laughing to him self.
The door bell was still ringing as he lay there contemplating what punishment he would hand out to his son.
“I coming I’m coming!” He thought to himself and then he heard his wife calling his name.
“Ronnie? Are you okay?”
“Its okay, Baby. Denzel just set up another booby trap for the bad guys.”
“Well you be careful.”
“Too late for that.”
Getting up off the floor, he picked his way along the hall way searching for any more “Booby Traps” his son may have left in his path.
At the front door he turned on the porch light and looked through the side window at the three middle aged white men standing in front of his door.
“Now what do they want?” He thought to himself.
Cautiously he opened the door.
“Can I help you?
“Are you FBI Agent Ronald Hooks?” Asked the large blond haired man closest to the front door.
“How do you know I am an FBI Agent, my wife doesn’t even know I am an FBI Agent.”
“My name is Mark Koebrich and this is Gregg Moss and Sidney Walzenheimer. Gregg and I are both news anchors for a television station in Denver, Colorado and Mister Walzenheimer is a Conspiracy blogger from Denver. We think we can help with your investigation of Ivan Ivanovitch.”
“What? How in the world would you know I am investigating Ivanovitch?”
“Sidney figured it out. May we come in? Standing on your front porch may start to attract the attention of your noisy neighbor, Mister John Lancaster; after all he already thinks you are a communist spy.”
“That old coot thinks I am a spy? How would you know that? Oh wait, let me guess, Sidney told you. Sure come on in; just try to hold down the noise, the family is still asleep.”
Leading the three white men into the kitchen, Agent Hooks turned on a light to get a better look at his guests. The two men in suits did look like they worked on television but the short fat man who resembled a toad with his greasy hair, fat belly and bulging eyes.
After they had all sat down around the kitchen table Agent Hooks offered his guests some coffee and they accepted and while he poured water into the coffee maker they started telling him about Sidney getting kidnapped at the Al Gore event at University of Denver and the two television Newsmen rescuing the blogger from almost certain death. They also mentioned that Sidney’s mother house had been torched with Sidney’s mother inside, killing her.
“Let me get this straight, you say Al Gore, the AL GORE, the former Vice President, had your friend here kidnapped and then tortured him and then killed his mother?”
“Hard to believe but I assure you it is true.” Said Sidney Walzenheimer.
“But why would they want to torture you?”
“They wanted to know what I knew about an electronics company in the Denver area called Lone Tree A V Inc. I was confused at the time because I knew nothing of that company. But after Mark and Gregg came in guns a blazing and saved my butt, I was able to do some research and found that Al Gore and another man are silent partners in the firm.”
“But Al Gore is probably a silent partner in lots of other companies, why would this one be important enough to kill you and your mother to keep you quiet?’
“Because that company is going to get the contract for the “No Bear Left Behind.”
“What is this “No Bear Left Behind?”
“It is a One Hundred Million Dollar federal program but is actually a Scam! Certain people are saying that the American Black Bear is on the verge of extinction and this new federal program will insure that the bears do not die off. At the same time, it will make lots of money for those same people off the American Tax payer.”
The coffee was done and Agent Hooks poured each of them a cup of coffee. After handing the mugs to the other men, he leaded back against the counter and took a sip of the steaming hot brew. As he held the cup to his mouth he looked over the rim of the cup at the three white men and suddenly a whole world full of questions came upon him.
“Who were these two television guys? Guns a blazing was what Sidney Walzenheimer and described, television news guys don’t go around with “Guns A blazing.” Thought Agent Hooks.
“You say you know something about Ivan Ivanovitch? We have a hunch he may be a Russian Spy but have not been able to pin anything on him yet.”
“Not only is Mister Ivanovitch a Russian Spy but his girlfriend, Monica Sanchez is really an Iranian Spy and her real name is Dorri Raad.”
“Ronnie, what is going on? Are you going to come back to bed?”
“That’s my wife, she has no clue I work for the FBI.”
“I know, she thinks you still work in the mail room at the State Department. You really ought to give your self a better paying job, Agent Hooks, mail room clerks can not afford to live like you do.” Said Sidney Walzenheimer.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Would they be paid in money and if so would they get union or minamum wage? What about other benifits like free coffee and a great retirement plan?
Wild animals in a park are almost like professional athletes like football or Baseball players. With out the athletes would anyone go to a professional sports stadium?
By the way I will continue the story No Bears left behind tomorrow. I had some yard work to do today and ran out of time.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDID THING.
Russia House Restaurant
Saturday, January 21, 2012
She sat alone in the back booth under an unknown Russian painting by an unknown Russian painter. This was a perfect place to meet with him, each time they had their time together they had to make sure they picked a new and different place to meet. Hopefully he could get away from his old and clingy wife and come to her. It had been along week and she needed to see him. Her boss always seemed to be making rude and suggestive remarks and the other women she worked for all seemed to hate her for her good looks and great body. Was it her fault God had made her the way she was?
“They are all a bunch of fat & insecure women and can not stand the fact that I am just better than they are.” She thought to herself.
The packet of documents that she had copied for him lay on the table next to her cup of Russian tea. In front of her was a very decadent piece of dark chocolate mousse cake that she had been eating for the past ten minutes.
Was it love? Did she love this big middle aged man with scar that ran down his left cheek from his eye to his jaw? After all he was married with two grown children and it seemed that he was always very mysterious of his business. He had refused to give her his telephone number and the only way she had to contact him was by his Email account. But every time she thought of the big man her heart would race and a funny smile would come to her face.
A hand touched her shoulder and when she turned around he was there. Smiling from ear to ear as if they had been apart for many years, he took her hand in his and kissed it as though he had an addiction and the taste of her hand was the only thing that would make it go away.
“My darling, how I have longed for this moment! The hours we are apart are like a life time to my old romantic heart.” He said as he sat down across the table from her.
Taking both her hands in his big and callused hands, he stared deep into her eyes as if he were drinking in her very soul. He loved the way the light shimmered off her glossy black hair and the funny little dimple on her right check was enough to drive him mad with lustful desire. If he could he would take her right here on this very table.
“Let the world look at us in pure envy!” He thought to himself. “She is mine, she is my goddess and I am but a lump of putty in her hands.”
“You look well, Ivan. I have missed you and longed for the touch of your hands caressing my body just as you did during our last visit. Whenever I am having a bad day, all I have to do is to think of you and my problems fly away.”
“I see you have already ordered desert, have you already eaten your dinner?”
“No, I was just toying with this lump of chocolate until you came to me, my darling.”
“Would you like eat here or should we go somewhere else?”
“I think we may as well eat here and afterwards we can find a nice place to spend the night.”
“Ah, Dorri, you make an old man very happy.”
Several tables away unseen by the couple exchanging sweet endearments, was a black man who appeared to be in his mid 30s. He was wearing a green ski sweater and an old pair of blue jeans and deck shoes. He was sharing a house specialty of Zapechionaya Baranina, a roasted Colorado lamb loin, green Olive & tomato ragout served with lamb & goat cheese pelminis, with his wife Nancy Hooks. FBI Agent Ronald Hooks had been listening in to all of Ivan Ivanovich’s phone calls and had even been able to hack into his private Email account. The Agency had given him carte blanche on his surveillance of the Russian “Tour Guide/ intelligence officer”, for the past six months in hopes that eventually Ivan would lead the FBI to the mole in the congressional offices.
Since the FBI had given him the green light to keep tabs on the Russian, Agent Hooks figured taking his wife Nancy along on these on location surveillance would enhance his invisibility to the Russian.
Adjusting the listening device in his ear Agent Hooks was able to listen to every word the Russian and his lover said over the meal.
Agent Hooks wife Nancy, was totally unaware that her husband had taken her to dinner as a cover for a surveillance job and assumed it was a simple dinner date between husband and wife. She had been talking about the antics of five year old Denzel and his little three year old sister Tyra, when she noticed that her husband’s mind seemed to be miles away.
“Is something wrong Ronny, or am I boring you, trying to catch you up on the goings on of our children?”
“No, nothing is wrong. I am sorry was just lost in thought for a moment or two there. Office politics.
“Well anyway Mr Big shot FBI Agent, they are our children and I would think you would like to stay in the loop with what their little lives are like.”
“Please Baby, don’t go saying I am an FBI agent when we are out in public. You never know when there might be some bad guys within ear shot and it could put our lives in jeopardy.”
“Bad guys in here, Oh come on Ronnie, bad guys wouldn’t be eating here, have you seen these prices? By the way sweety what is the occasion for this dinner out any way? Did you get a promotion or do they still have you stuck in the mail room?”
“I am still in the mail room, Baby. If I ever get out of that boring job you will be the first to know.”
Glancing over at the Russian, it looked like the lovers were going to be there for quite some time.
Seeing the large envelope on the table for the first time, Agent Hooks said, “Hello, what do we have there? I wonder what that congressional secretary plans on doing with that envelope?”
Monday, June 4, 2012
Well, she sure looks Mexican.
The Rayburn House Office Building
Basement meeting room 114-B2
Monday January 9, 2012
Looking around the room over his reading glasses that sat perched on the edge of his nose; Donald Lipinski had the look of an old time stern country school teacher. Congressmen Donald Lipinski was not a man of original thought. He knew he looked like a younger version of Senator Carl Levin, with his balding plate and baggy eyes and figured that if the “Levin Look” worked for Senator Levin it should work for him. Apparently the voters thought so as well since they had been voting for him in drove for the past twenty years. Once Congressman Lipinski heard Senator Levin had bought a Chevy Volt electric car he ran out and purchased one as well.
Almost everyone was around the conference table and it seemed like everyone had piles of paper in front of them plans on how best to beef up House Bill 1542 No Bears Left Behind. Donald Lipinski thought that his naming the bill No Bear Left Behind was a pure stroke of genius. After his first meeting with that idiot, Leonard Badowski from the Department of Interior back on October 27, 2011, he could tell from that first meeting that Badowski was a man without a vision of the future. Badowski actually thought that he could become famous and get promoted just because he had this silly idea that you could actually teach Brown Bears to work a smart phone or some other electronic gizmo if they got horny and wanted to hook up with some female bear who wanted some loving. Shit if science could do that for bears someone would have already been selling them to college students. Donald Lipinski could invision the sales pitch now: “For a good time, use our Smart phone! It will tell you wich women are hot and horney!”
Since Donald Lipinski was happy in his position as a US Representative to Congress and the congressional sub-committee United States House Appropriations Subcommittee on Interior, Environment, and Related Agencies. Donald Lipinski would be quite happy to do his “Duty to his country” for a dollar per year. He made far more from “endorsements, bribe, kick backs and speaking engagements than he ever did from his pitiful small pay check as a US Congressman. If only the folks back home knew what really went on in the “HALLOWED HALLS OF CONGRESS.”
“Shit fire! That cliche, HALLOWED HALLS OF CONGRESS, is a joke all by its self, “thought US Congressman Donald Lipinski.
Last year alone Donald Lipinski received $175,000.00 in pay as a US Congressman but at the same time received over $2 million in “Campaign Contributions” and another $1 million for speaking engagements. His real pay though came from his sideline activities and that money came under the table, we wouldn’t want a paper trail for the good people back in Chicago to see what kind of money their good old boy Congressman really “earned”. Donald Lipinski always felt he really did earn all the money he received under or over the table, after all he was serving his beloved country as a public servant and he was indeed a servant to the people. The only thing was that the people he was a servant to was not the same people who voted and returned him to “Hallowed Halls of Congress”, every two years.
Looking around the conference table Congressman Donald Lipinski could see everyone was present and may as well get the show on the road.
“This meeting will now come to order”, barked Congressman Donald Lipinski. “My secretary, Monica Sanchez, will be taking notes. “
All eyes in the room fell on Ms Sanchez who was sitting cross legged next to her boss. Monica had originally come from Tijuana, Mexico as a teenager and for the past ten years had been living a lie. Her birth certificate was a lie; her Social Security card was a lie. In reality Monica Sanchez’s real name was Dorri Raad (Iranian for Sparkling star) and had been trained from birth to pass her self off as Mexican, she had also been trained from birth to hate America and all things American. To Monica (Dorri) coming into the United States as an illegal, obtaining the false documentation and finally achieving her final goal of working in Washington DC as a secretary to a real United States Congressman was an achievement that reaped high praise from her real boss, the VEVAK (Vezarat-e Ettela'at va Amniyat-e Keshvar). Back in her homeland, Dorri Raad was a hero and little girls sang praises to her in her home town of Borazjan, Iran.
“One day,” I shall be part of the glorious revolution and take down this putrid nation of infidel pigs and Allah will reign supreme when the flag of my homeland flies over the hated White House in this town of corruption.”
Monica Sanchez was indeed easy to look at and every man around the conference table wondered to himself, “How the hell did that dip stick Lipinski, rate such a great looking secretary?” They also all wondered what it would be like to make her squeal in sexual delight and say, “Praise Jesus! “ as she rapped her long well toned legs around him and he exploded inside her.
If they only knew the truth of her lies they may have had different thoughts.
Monica’s mission was indeed long range: make her way across Mexico and infiltrate America as a Mexican teenager, enter college with fake documentation that showed she had been born in San Diego, California at Sharp Mary Birch Hospital, April 1, (Iranian Day of Independence) 1997. The real Monica Sanchez had died at birth and her parents sold her birth certificate to some very nice men that year for a large sum of money. Those very nice men worked for the VEVAK and had passed the document along with many more birth certificates to there boss in Tehran, Iran. All of Monica’s co-workers knew that Monica’s parents had been killed many years ago and she had no family, they knew this because that is what Monica had told them.
After Monica (Dorri Raad) had graduated from UCLA with a 3.0 grade average, she applied for work as a management assistant with the Office of personal and had finally earned an appointment as a congressional aid for Donald Lipinski and had been his aid or secretary for the past two years.
Monica (Dorri Raad) Sanchez was quite pleased with the work she did for Lipinski because each day provided her with more and more proof of the decadence of America. If Congressman Donald Lipinski was considered an honorable man by American standards than in all of this country could one find a truly fine upstanding man that would please Allah? No there was none and this was why America must perish!
“Okay folks lets get started with your suggestions of what to add to House Bill 1542, No Bears Left Behind.