Monday, September 30, 2013

Obama's flock news flashes.



The U.S. and Iran Are Pretty Happy with Today's Face-to-Face Meeting

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Netanyahu: Don’t Be Fooled By Iran’s “Smiley Face”



I am waiting for Sec of State John Kerry, to start telling us that the United States and Iran have always been best friends forever.  Shades of the book 1984.  This is another example of if you tell a lie enough times it becomes a fact... I guess Fact just ain't what they used to be.


Hey! Remember this guy?  
 When will Pres Obama and John Kerry start telling us that he was just a freedom fighter for truth justice and .....also that Ronald Reagan was guilty of some sort of war crimes against this guy.  I can hardly wait to see how the American Media plays that out.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Hector's adventures

 

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little gir l raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" 
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 TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher. 

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A mother was away one weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the phone and ran outside screaming, "Dad! Dad! They've got mom!! And they want money!!!"

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Thinking of Bill Mauldin.












These cartoons I drew were inspired by Willy and Joe cartoons by Bill Mauldin.






Now that you mention it. It does sound like the patter of rain on a tin roof.







I need a couple guys who don't owe me money for a routine patrol tonight.

 I always though Bill Mauldin was much older 

October 29, 1921 – January 22, 2003

     The title of the last cartoon was "FUR OFFIZIERE" which translates  FOR OFFICERS. A German soldier helping American Army Soldiers raid the German officer supply mess of some good French wine.











Charles Schulz tribute to Bill Mauldin 

Friday, September 27, 2013

Sleeping with the Fishies


































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The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Boo!

































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Q: Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change colour?
 A: He had a reptile dysfunction
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Q: When does a lizard go "moo"?
 A: When it is learning a new language!
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a lizard walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the lizard's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the lizard. "Your name is written inside the cover."


Syrian rebels during a lull in the fighting.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Leaping lizard


































 This first cartoon is a continuation of what happened to the little lizard who was riding the rocket in yesterday's graphic novel of Jack Bauer. 
 Today we find the little guy landing in the Tarzan comic strip The Really Odd Couple.


































Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Dewey meets Jack Bauer 4


The following takes place between 11am and 12 Noon
...give or take a few minutes.  In the television show 24, the next thing that would happen is the dramatic sound effects of a clicking digital clock.  Funny thing is I have never heard a didgital clock make any noise at all.  
If you click onto the above link you can see the opening of the show after Jack Bauer tells you what time it is.



This will probably be the longest day of the lizard's life as well.


























To get you all up to speed, I have included the first three pages of this little graphic novel, being about Jack Bauer it will probably end up as the worlds longest graphic novel.


Monday, September 23, 2013

Ed Schultz reporting for MSNBC

The first two panels was the first opinion of the Washington DC Navy yard and the Boston terror bombing.  They were trying to pin point blame on the TEA party for any sort of violence they can find even though persons who claim support of the TEA party have done no violence in the past.  The third panel is an example I have noticed time and time again where a reporter will stick their micraphone in the face of a victim and ask how they are "Feeling".  
"How the hell do you think I am feeling, blank blank pin blank head!"




Ed Schultz is one of the most biased media pin heads on MSNBC 
and MSNBC is the most biased of all the television News channels.
The following is some gems that came out of Ed's filthy mouth.
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"The Republicans lie! They want to see you dead! They'd rather make money off your dead corpse! They kind of like it when that woman has cancer and they don't have anything for her."
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"Reagan [at the 1984 D-Day commemoration] was all about America, and you talked about it. Obama is, 'We are above that now. We're not just parochial, we're not just chauvinistic, we're not just provincial. We stand for something.' I mean, in a way, Obama's standing above the country, above - above the world. He's sort of God. He's going to bring all different sides together."
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"Hitler, by the way, never got more than 33 percent of the vote ever in Germany....He wasn't a majority guy, but he was charismatic, and they were having bad economic times - just like we are now. People were out of work, they needed jobs, and a guy came along and rallied the troops. My fear is that the Tea Party gets a charismatic leader, because all they're selling is fear and anger and that's all Hitler sold: 'I'm angry and I'm frightened and you should hate that guy over there.'"
(Now they are equating the TEA Party with the Nazi party of Germany, even though the Nazi's were a socialist Progressive political party)
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“They have acted like terrorists,” Vice President Biden said of the Tea Party

 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Fearless Cujo

 Hector's dad, Jose owns a small landscape company, his wife Maria is a registered nurse for a local HMO, Tammy is Hector's forever teen age sister who is never satisfied with the color of her hair.  Bob is Hector's uncle and lives in the basement of Hector's house playing video games all day long and keeps thinking about getting a job.  Meemah and Beebah are Hector's grand parents, they live next door.  This is Hector's family and each week will center around one of the family members in relation to Hector.

































Introducing fearless little Cujo, Hector's pet  Chihuahua. 
Cujo has no fear except for the mafia squirrel who lives in the back yard.  Cujo will be getting his own comic strip on Thursdays from now on taking the place of the generic North Park Critters cartoon strip.







Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Fearless Leader's "Security Detail."




















Putting a little "English" on the old golf ball.  Or maybe this is how he walks around the greens.
------------------------------------------------------------------ 

President Obama has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective 01 June 2010.
This is only a preview as the complete rulebook is being rewritten as we speak.
Here are a few of the changes…
Golfers with handicaps:
- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- Above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.
The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
- For handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
- Between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
- Above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:
- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
- Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition; the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. 
Golf must be about Fairness. 
It should have nothing to do with Ability.
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Please note that this Comic strip is about the Security function of a Prairie Dog Town.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Ali and his brother Shiss Kabob

                                                                 
Recently late night TV talking head and what some people think as being funny, David Letterman was put on a death list by Islamic Jihadist ( please note it was not the TEA Party who put him on the death list). 
The following was his Top Ten List in response.
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 "Thank you very much for being here tonight. We have great audiences night in and night out, but tonight especially, it means a lot to me," Letterman said.
"Tonight, you people are more, to me, honestly, more than an audience … you're more like a human shield."
He also joked about being late to hit the stage.
"Backstage, I was talking to the guy from CBS," Letterman said during a taping of Monday's show. "We were going through the CBS life insurance policy to see if I was covered for Jihad."
Indeed, Letterman and his team mined the threat for monologue jokes and an entire Top Ten list called. "Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through My Mind After Hearing about the Threat"
Among them: No. 8, "Why is the staff in such a good mood?", No. 4, "How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?" and No. 3, "Some people get Emmy nominations; some people get death threats."
"And so now, State Department authorities are looking into this. They're not taking this lightly. They're looking into it. They're questioning, they're interrogating, there's an electronic trail - but everybody knows it's Leno."

Letterman and his team record two shows on Monday; One for Monday night and the other for Thursday. 
Word of the threats against Letterman come as the nation prepares to mark the 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks.
Letterman was credited with being one of the calming forces on TV when he returned to the airwaves six days after the attacks.
Letterman's 'Late Show' Top Ten
"Thoughts That Went Through My Mind After Hearing about the Threat"
10. "Someone wants to silence me? Get in line."
9. "Nothing says summer fun like a death threat."
8. "Why is the staff in such a good mood?"
7. "Save me, Oprah!"
6. "Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?"
5. "And here I thought nobody watched the show."
4. "How can someone be so angry at a time whenKim Kardashian is so happy?"
3. "Some people get Emmy nominations; some people get death threats."
2. "This seems like Leno's handiwork."
1. "Oh my God, they canceled ‘The George Lopez Show'!”


Thursday, September 19, 2013

It's an Easter parade.

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1. Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket? A: Two points, just like anyone else.
2. Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas.
3. Q: How can you find the Easter bunny? A: Eggs (x) marks the spot.
4. Q: How does the Easter bunny paint all the Easter eggs? A: She hires Santa’s elves during off-season.
5. Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A: He was having a bad hare day!
6. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
7. Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!
8. Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? It has four rabbits’ feet!
9. What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!
10. What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
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I suppose one would be wondering about now why I would be drawing a cartoon about Easter bunnies in September...It all started with an idea of a real rabbit munching on a carrot and being interupted by the Energizer bunny and sort of morphed from there. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

You are such a Beast!



Confession, I used the dogs playing cards example for the third panel.




















Once upon a time,I was thinking about the depressing times professional athletes must have upon getting older and retiring.  Losing the "edge" they once had as well as all the money that use to be there is now gone.
 The idea came to me of Tarzan as a middle aged guy, dealing with strange noises coming from different parts of their body each time they got up in the morning like: Snap, Crackle  & Pop of the joints and blowing gas every time he bends over. ( these things do not happen to me and I am only going on what other old farts tell me).
So here is middle aged Tarzan, having lived all his life in the African jungles, his wife Jane has divorced him and moved back to Brooklyn to live with her dear old mother.   What is Tarzan to do?  He moves in with his childhood buddy Cheetah.  Cheetah has never had a mate and is also middle aged and very set in his ways and through the goodness of his heart he allows Tarzan to camp out in his tree house.  The tree house is complete with a big screen TV, hot tub, ruffles on the beds and frilly curtains.
Think of this as reality show and join us as we get a close up view of what it is like when two totally different kind of guys start living together.
There has been several television sit-coms where this same basic idea is played out:  Mork And Mindy, 2 and a Half Men and The Odd Couple.  So many gags start falling off the gag tree.
The Really Odd Couple will be running every Wednesday from now for the next ten to twenty years...Hope you enjoy.

















Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The Drone

When Jack "Borrowed the chopper, he only knocked out the pilot and now  Bill Buchanan claims that
 Jack Bauer killed the pilot...it sounds like there may be a moll in CTU.  
Did the drone fire a rocket at Jack and Dewey?  Did Chloe O'Brien see the demise of Jack Bauer and Dewey by the rogue drone?  Who are these people that are trying to kill Dewey and now Jack Bauer? 
To be continued next Tuesday.

A quote from Chloe O'Brien:    Chloe O'Brian: " Edgar, I appreciate your concern. I really do. It's just that when I shot that guy I thought I'd go all fetal position, but the truth is I didn't feel anything, at all. I hope I'm not some kind of a psychopath. "
For a list of the hundreds of characters on the TV Show 24:     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_24_characters
With my adaption of 24 into this comic strip/graphic novel, I will be adding famous actors who should have appeared on the show but never were.  If you have any suggestions for some really nasty bad guys you would like seen questioned by Jack leave a note on the blog.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Just an itty bitty little war.


















“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
Joseph Heller
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In Joseph Heller's wonderful book, Catch 22, about an American bomber squadron in WWII.  An officer from G-3 was telling the crews for the upcoming air strike on Germany that he did not care if the bombs actually hit any targets as long as they were in a tight bomb pattern... 
During the American Civil war one General stated that "You put war plans on paper and develop them down to the last detail, but it does not matter...As soon as the first bullet flies through the air you may as well toss out any war plans."
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“It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.”
― Joseph Heller

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Role models


A few years back, I read a book about writing comedy.  In truth over the years I have found exactly two books on writing humor.  In this one book, the author wrote about writing humor for a comic strip that it was far more important to have a strong personality than the art work.  
Notice the comic strip characters that have endured over the years: Charlie Brown, everyone on the Simpsons, The professor in Shoe, Danae from Non Sequitur comic strip, all the Dilbert characters, and Cathy.
As they say, "Build it and they will come." Build up a strong character and the gags will fall in line.
This comic strip is still in the developement stage and as we go along you will see some changes to the characters.
This week I changed the hair style of Hector to look sort of like Bart Simpson..... thank you Matt Groening.

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."  Matt Groening.

I guess it is not good to be eaten alive by Ice Weasels.  Of course it would be far worse to be eaten dead.

Next week I will begin introducing Hectors home life.  Sometimes we have to look at the home life to understand why kids act a certain way when they are at school.
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Wow, your first day at the new school! Lisa, have fun. Bart, don't!
--MARGE SIMPSON
  Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
Homer Simpson
 . Mom, I’m going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life…by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.
— Bart Simpson
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When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not, hmmm?
--YODA, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
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The last quote I sort of put in as a hidden message because officially, today I am a year older than I was yesterday.  That is so weird, how can a person become a year older in one day?  Okay, today I am exactly 24 hours older than I was yesterday, but 365 days older than I was a year ago.  Big deal...  By the way my evil twin brother Tommy Lee Jones turned 67 today as well.  Mom said he got the good looks and better personality but Mom liked Tommy more than me.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The war is postponed for rain

 The war between America and Syria has been postponed, thank you Vladimir Putin
                              http://www.solidarity-us.org/site/node/4001

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 "John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate." --Jay Leno
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Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people." --Conan O'Brien
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"John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." --David Letterman
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"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, 
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"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." -Jay Leno
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"The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno

Friday, September 13, 2013

We have been hi jacked!!!

 Yes folks, we done been hi jacked.....But only on Fridays.  
Some of these Anti Islamic Jihad cartoons may remind you of watching an old Japanese Godzilla movie where the voices and words have been dubbed into English giving some of the classic monster movies a really funny out come.  sometimes the words would not match up with the speed of the visual, like in a fight scene one actor lands a hay maker to another actors jaw and it will be a split second before the sound of fist smashing face is heard. 
To me any man who used children as human shields is no longer worthy to call him self a man!  I often wonder why it is that a religion that professes to be the word of peace could be hi-jacked by such an evil mind set.  Most times they can not even use the term killing infidels when they are killing other Muslims simply because they are not of the same mindset of Islam.  according to
 http://contenderministries.org/islam/divisions.php
There are 150 different sects of Islam and each sect thinks they are the True religion.  So what happens?  They attack people of the other sects to prove they are more worthy to be called Muslims. "Why can't we all just get along." 
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Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite? 
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
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You know you're Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
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Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
 




Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fred's power nap
















People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

 

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

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Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Tarzan goes shopping.

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
By: Roger Banner
- See more at: http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/shopping-jokes#sthash.wRAjFDht.dpuf


























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 Today's joke
 I went into my local newsagents and I saw that he had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP"
I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?" 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good gag for next time you're on an airplane and the fella next to you falls asleep:
Ask the stewardess to borrow her demonstration mask, put it on and shake him awake with an alarmed look on your face

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
By: Roger Banner
- See more at: http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/shopping-jokes#sthash.wRAjFDht.dpuf
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
By: Roger Banner
- See more at: http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/shopping-jokes#sthash.wRAjFDht.dpuf
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
By: Roger Banner
- See more at: http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/shopping-jokes#sthash.wRAjFDht.dpuf
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be f**ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’ s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone f**ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
By: Roger Banner
- See more at: http://slay.me/category/funny-jokes/shopping-jokes#sthash.wRAjFDht.dpuf

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Pow! Ping! & Thunk!

 "The following takes place between 8:15am and 8:45am"
You may be wondering at this point a few things.  First off, why was Jack Bauer in a place to save hapless Dewey in the first place?  That is quiet simple, the night before Dewey went rock climbing East of Moab, Utah, Jack had been eating his dinner at Willy Wong's Noodle House in lower down town Denver.  Why was Jack having dinner at Willy Wong's House of Noodles?  He had been told by an informant who was the cousin of his dry cleaner, that vital national data was going to given to a foreign operative at that location sometime that night.  In truth, the waiter gave the fortune cookie with the hidden message to Jack by mistake.  The fortune cookie was written in code, " Dew falls on the rock east of Moab, kill him."
With this complicated message Jack was able to figure that hapless Dewey was a target for some vague foreign element, sponsored by some elements of the US Federal government.  Of course, Jack's boss Bill, would not believe that the nation's security hinged on a message delivered in a fortune cookie so Jack, knocked out the pilot of one of the agencies choppers and flew under the radar with the aid of Chloe O'Brien, a computer whiz kid back in CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) in Denver, Colorado.  She down linked satellite images of Jack's flight from Denver to Moab.  She was also able to see the bad guys from the satellite real time images on her lap top.
What does Dewey know that would make him a target by this vague foreign terrorist group working in conjunction with some vague element of disgruntled federal employees?  Will Jack ever get a chance to stop and get something to eat, sleep, drink some water, go to the bathroom or even have a private life?
The bigger immediate would be, did the bad guys really leave the area and give up? Will they allow Jack to transport Dewey to safety at Secure and safe CTU in Denver?  Tune in next Tuesday for the next installment of Dewey Meets Jack Bauer or how rock climbing can change your life.
Quotes from Chloe and Jack:
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Chloe: I'm glad you're with us.
Jack Bauer: I'm not with anybody until someone starts answering questions.
[turns to Tony]
Jack Bauer: Might as well start with you. Why are you not dead?
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Mad Magazines take on the TV show 24.
                                                                                                                      
Jack Bauer



 Jack Bauer on the Simpsons.