Two By Two

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"A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's

 time in office as a failure. While the rest said, 'You saw him in his office? 

When?'"

 –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama was actually in his office yesterday. 

He met with his Secret Service director 

to talk about the recent White House security breaches. 

 First they had to address the elephant in the room. 

Not metaphorically —

 an actual elephant wandered into the room.

 Security's just awful." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent

 of Americans 

will vote in the midterm elections next month. 

But on the bright side, 

100 percent will still complain about the results." 

–Jimmy Fallon

"t's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the

 1996 movie 'Independence Day.'

 I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only

 like the fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now." 

 –Jimmy Fallon